The Olympics make me feel dirty

Image of super-sekrit women’s volleyball hand signals courtesy of this giant gallery of Olympic volleyball ass at NBC’s feelthy dirrrty “Cracking the Code” Beijing 2008 beach volleyball gallery (via). You just can’t make this shit up, I swear. And thank those Olympian gods for that.

… but I just can’t put my finger on why they make me feel so unwholesome… This week my SF Chronicle Open Source Sex column is the timely Olympic-sized sex records: The Olympics may never recognize sex as sport, but Violet Blue offers up records that ‘go for the gold’. (Spoiler: Kink.com won for furthest recorded female ejaculation: 16 feet, from Flower Tucci.) I think the conservatives are pissing their Speedoes in the comments right now. Right when it was too late to include, my dearest friend Carol Queen tells me, “There is also an article by me in a past Spectator about “Slave Tennis,” aka Lucky Ball, an entirely new sexual game developed by a pod of jack mormon perverts in Salt Lake City in which a submissive presents her/ himself for dildoing, and when s/he comes, has to somersault over to the player across the “field” (aka the living room) and do it again until s/he collapses and can’t tumble any more. I don’t think this has ever been done competitively, though that’d be a good fundraiser too, wouldn’t it?” Here’s the only link that was cut, and here’s a snip:

Athletic agony, competitive madness and hoping for the gold when all you got was a bronze — sounds like a typical night at the Power Exchange to me. It’s clear that sex is in and of itself sporting, but while men’s magazines abound with sports and gamesmanship euphemisms, and some of us girls brag about our conquests’ endurance records, there will never be an official global sexual Olympics. Not for lack of trying, of course.

But it all makes sense: Pack thousands of young people in the tightest clothes possible into a gladiator-style arena, make them compete, sell tickets, broadcast it around the world — it’s the ultimate form of sex selling when you think about it. Weeks of hardbodies. No camera angle left unexplored. No wonder the original Olympians in ancient Greece competed in the nude. (You can still find Olympic athletes posing sans Spandex, you just have to know where to look; I’m still waiting for Fleshbot.com’s Beijing Bulge Roundup. But let me just add that Hot Athletes is all over it this year.)

The Olympic Committee may never sanction nudity again, but you can still find plenty of record-breaking sexual gamesmanship online. Trust Japan to keep you covered, or uncovered, as the case may be, with what seems like an unending parade of medal-worthy nude and sexual competitions, such as the “All Nude Challenger 108” videos, which look very sporting, indeed. (And I mean it: little sex, but lots of naked girls doing sports.) There’s always the Internet meme-famous Japanese 500-person orgy videos (circa 2006) to add to the records. Naked World Records (nakedworldrecords.com) boasts the loveliest retro HTML (…read more!)

Update: How fun! Check out World Sex Records online. Meanwhile, the NYT is all like, “athletes have hot bodies and now we can ogle them” (it’s a polite column, although the mentions of checking out underage girl athlete bodies icks me out).