Scary sex toys are really scary

That’s anonymous’ #1 co-winning entry above, the Concubine Masturbator; see the rest below.

And not hot. I mean, holy crap — some of the stuff you all dug up and out of the bowels of the internets has been haunting my nightmares and goddamn… I mean, let me first just say that we are not here to judge. If I had a peen, I might stick it into all kinds of things. Several of you were squicked out by the vagina-feet, and for good reason. Translating that into real-life is a horror movie, and a clicking through all the parts-put-together-wrong for jacking off that sex toy makers have mashed together with Frankenstinian precision was, at times funny, and at times, eerie. But hey, we’re all sexually interesting in our own ways, and something to hump is something to hump. To put myself out there, I truly want a RealDoll. And not so I can drive in the carpool lane. But, we have some real winners (and runners-up after the jump).

We have three, again, and Babeland can spank me for picking too many. The toy I got this week as my Babeland birthday gift is the Babeland Pocket Rocket. Why such a basic toy? Because they’re popular for a reason. Versatile, long-lasting, super-fun, they get into tight places (not too tight, okay? not for anal use, kids.) and they are ultra-portable. I love having one, um, handy when I travel. Across town. In the carpool lane.

To claim your prizes: anonymous, Scorcha and jane h. — email me directly at violet @ tinynibbles dot com with an email address and mailing address with which I will place your order at Babeland. Be sure to include in your email which prize you want: please choose one of the following — Pure Wand; Slimline Vibe; Maven Sleeve; Hitachi Magic Wand, or a Fukuoku 9000. They all make great gifts, too… You will receive *one* confirmation email from Babeland.com when your order ships, with shipping info. You will *not* be put on a mailing list, your information will not be rented, sold or traded to third parties, and all of your everything will remain private. Thank you, Babeland! Thank you, readers! Happy birthday everyone!

Co-winner #2 Scorcha:

This is a “sexual cushion and doll” (scroll to see the one with glasses, and don’t miss the rest of the site — wow).

Co-winner #3 jane h.:

This is a Tentacle.

Lots of people sent me links from Zoofur/Zeta Creations, and fur good reasons. Especially the Thor. Eeep! Also, we got two full galleries of bizarreness, this Flickr set of horrifying sex toys and Gizmodo’s weird sex toys. and I love LoveHoney, but The Porn Librarian was right: the pussy shave vibe combo is just too sketchy (and I do think shaving is hot, too). I’m happy to see my good friend qDot made the lineup (via willowfinn). More anonymous weeping; pina coladas are off my cocktail menu for a while. And the Dr Joel Prostate Probe, via anonymous. And the Kong (via anonymous); you have to pity the factory workers who probably insert the hairs on an assembly line by hand with tweezers somewhere in China. Well done.

We also must send sweet thoughts of cupcakes and heart-shaped lollipops (if not to attempt a scary sex toy brain rinse) to the efforts of:

These are Ghost, via Scorcha and Autumn.

This is a “Blowjob Machine” (actually it’s a Fleshlight input device, of sorts, in a cute pink lunchbox, and a smiling dude with a mustache on the side), via Hal.

This is a Vortex Vibrations vaccum cleaner attachment *for women*, via Elizabeth — click through and watch the videos!

This is an evil, level of hell Tongue Tickler, via Gina.

Lest we not forget the Big Black Foot, via James.

And finally, the aptly named The Ream and Scream Butt Plug, via Lyn and willowfinn.