Image by modfetish, via dream ‘secretary’ GalaDarling.
This week’s San Francisco Chronicle column, Mortgage Sluts: People are gettin’ down like it’s 1929 was entirely inspired by Bacchus’ post on the topic — though I think you’ll enjoy and be slightly alarmed, and maybe even a bit titillated by the direction I went with it. Interesting *not* to see it on the front page by now (Update: that was 7am EST; it’s on the page now); usually it’s up by 10pm Wednesday evening. Curious. And on another note — yes, I know the transitory nature of CL ad links — but I assure you, each and every one of these is (or was) real. Here’s the start:
On Craigslist New York, you could indeed say that a panic — of the erotic kind, at least — has a firm “grip” on Wall Street. One Casual Encounters ad headline reads “RESESSION SEX: FULL SWAP.” [sic] Another ad explains, “…Perfect and easy way to beat the Recession on an ongoing, regular basis. Nice compensation for a brief 15 minute interlude.” Ad posters are “In search of some charity during some tuff economic times.” There are jobless sex slaves. They even come two by two: “We are a Latin couple that is feeling the effect of out current economic situation. …She is a total FREAK, and she into anything as long as its not degrading.” Another sells itself saying, “…Maybe we can set up a regular thing. I’m a product of our recession and lost my day job, so I’m free all morning and all afternoon!”
Locally, we’re not immune to “market surges” in the least. Budget shrinkage might be happening in someone else’s collective pants, but our Craigslist Casual Encounters recession sex needs are… wonderfully overly specific: “Maybe you’re my boss at the brokerage firm I’m interning at. …Jobs are tight after the mortgage meltdown and there are more layoffs than hires. One day you tell me to meet you at your condo. I come over totally unsuspecting…” Articulate, even, “Times are tough, no doubt about that. I realize there are many out there who are behind on bills, college tuitions, maybe even mortgage payments.” Or not, such as the ad titled, “CHECKOUT THIS STIMULOUS PACKAGE” suggesting mutually satisfying coupon clipping — in the nude. Then there’s the Handsome Barack Obama type who “…would enjoy some pleasant company while I’m enduring the stress of these crazy economic times.” And the guy in Let’s make our own bailout simply wanting “…to forget the turmoils on Wall Street and Detroit during the day.” There’s also “Laid Off Guy seeks Laid Off Gurl (‘ to get over our frustration and depression’)”. And in Russian Hill, there’s apparently a “BANKING CRISIS!!!! No Withdrawals allowed!”
But will call he you the next day? Hell, it sounds like thanks to Black Fridays and Bailout Mondays, he’ll spend the whole weekend with you. And I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before the cheeseball women’s mags begin touting “Recession Sex: 50 Tips for Thrifty Trysts!”
Though any headline that reads “No sex please: we’re in a recession” just doesn’t ring true. By now, it’s quixotic — and oh-so-ABC News trite — to relate the anecdote about the recently laid off woman (“Kimberly” — not her real name) who submitted somewhere between 20 or 30 applications (from day care facilities to department stores.) She endured subsequent rejections, only to then quickly score an all-expensed, high-paying job escorting at the Mustang Ranch. The brothel’s manager tells ABC news, “I have more ladies coming in now than I ever did before because of the economic times.” Still, the manager explains that the poor economy has actually forced her to lay off 30 percent of her staff.
The headlines proclaim, “Oldest profession hit by recession” and Google news will return results telling us that brothels, porn and sex work is taking a serious hit in the current economic crisis. So are gaming, travel, and gadgets. We can certainly then correlate unemployment and tighter budgets with bargain-hunting sex work clients and Craigslist layabouts with their freebie sex driving markets downward (like, to their knees). But me, I blame the hoes — of all genders — who literally helped lay the groundwork for Wall Street’s blue balls: the mortgage sluts. (…read more, sfgate.com)
Am I the only one who thinks ‘troubled assets’ would make an awesome name for a porn movie?