On the day of blowing things up, I think of dolls. Those big, plastic, hard seamed, open-mouthed freaky looking things that adult stores sell. Learn everything you need to know about the unsexy world of blow-up dolls here. We don’t carry them at Good Vibes, and I just can’t believe we’re depriving our customers of this untapped resource of healthy sexual release and miracle of modern man. And they’re so realistic. I mean, some of them even come with repair kits, like for bicycle tires. Oops, I popped Dolly again. Maybe I should stop sitting on her tiny inflatable head and screaming at her to "lick my pussy you airheaded doorstop!" If you filled them with sand, could you build a fort with them, or shore up against natural disasters? Filled with helium, could they be tied together en masse with bedsheets allowing Martha Stewart to escape from prison? Refrigerated and filled with lime Jello, marshmallows and pineapple rings, could their skins be removed for a bizarre fetish dessert? Can you fill them with smoke and pop them with a cigarette? So many questions. Clearly I need a grant for research.
Yesterday I worked at the dildo hut, AKA Good Vibrations, with that big happy family of smarmy coworkers. Everything gets made fun of at Good Vibes, no sex toy, book or video is exempt from fun and games, just like any other workplace where after a while you go a little nuts selling pink plastic vaginas, floppy purple dicks and videos with titles like The Hills Have Bi’s. Maybe that doesn’t happen in every retail store, but I like to imagine the staff of Williams Sonoma trading places with all of us for like a month. Soon we’d be explaining which festive summer patio serving sets were okay for anal play, while they’d be trying to create gourmet crepe recipes to go with Tit Tax and Gummy Boobs, making lovely windchimes out of strings of anal beads, and realizing that everything they carry is totally perverse and we’re the normal ones.
Anyway, we make fun of everything. Yesterday I was one of the everythings, with the high sales of my books making the receivers nutty having to check them all in, they were teasing me when I was in the bathroom saying, "Fifty copies of Violet Blue’s Ultimate Guide to Pinching a Loaf." Or catching me with my hands full and drawing a heart on my arm with a "P" in the center, as in "I heart pee." Right where the customers can see it. Oh, the joy and the love.
