I’ve been a porn reviewer for 8 years now, and I know a lot of other porn reviewers. Some are meanspirited idiots who hate their jobs and it shows in their writing; the rest are really smart, funny, extremely snarky people who completetly freak out and shoot beer out their nerdy noses when they (we) see a truly hot porn film. This being rare, we do our best to keep each other sane while watching some of the stupidest, most overhyped movies in existience.
Email exchange today with a good friend who is slaving away in the porn review pits of hell somewhere down south:
he: Have you seen “Control,” from Digital Playground? Gram Ponante gave it a lukewarm review on FBot and now I understand he was being way too kind.
me: no I never get screeners anymore unless sent from the directors or a porn marketer on a binge. I have to *rent* the titles I review. nor do I get AVN. not sure if it makes me sad or not.
mmmm, not. definitely not.
he: If you really want, I will fly to SF and bring Control over to your house and you can loan me your gun, I can hold you at gunpoint and make you watch it, then you will never, ever wonder again whether it makes you sad. Otherwise, 1) You are not going to watch more than 5 minutes of it, and 2) you will never know — I mean really, really know — how not-sad you are about the fact that you don’t get screeners from Digital Playground.
me: uh, hot.
he: My editor wants me to to write a fawning review of Control. I drew the line at Pirates, but maybe [other female porn reviewer name redacted] can find something insightful to say about that. Like “God, I wish I was a pirate girl. I would want to be gangbanged by every famous pirate from ancient times to 1723, when England enacted the Defense Against Piracy act and essentially ended the age of the freebooter, insofar as piracy was enacted along the Spanish Main as a tool of national defense policy. Speaking of national defense in the age of sail, I would love to have Long John Silver up my ass while Jean Lafitte throat-fucks me till I cry. Do you think Captain Kidd should shoot on my face or retain his cargo in favor of a more lucrative price in future ports?”
he: Also, I don’t really understand the Carmen Luvana hysteria…she’s very beautiful, but what’s with those knockers? What planet did those friggin’ things come from? She’s actually not that bad as far as porn actresses go (her NY accent in Pirates notwithstanding, I’m talking about the horizontal form of acting) but I just can’t get past those….those THINGS. They’re alive!!! They’re alive!!!!
Update — now we slag on other porn writers:
he: Meanwhile, in case you have not eaten lunch yet, I ask you: Have you ever read anything so disturbing in your entire life? [link]
me: my Firefox blocked the barf-inducing text — what’s it say?
he: “Double Decker Sandwich 6: Sloppy Hoes! Savor an old schoolyard favorite, minus the heartburn! Juicy slices of ripe teen twat, stacked tall and piled high, then dipped and soaked in our secret sloppy sauce. Mounds of moist breast meat, tantalizing your tastebuds and sandwiching your salami. Ripe teen pastrami lips, served hot and fresh with your choice of sides: Semen Soup or Ass Salad. It’s a double dosage of giant-cupped delicacies to satisfy your hunger for hardcore. Enjoy the tastiest treat on the menu and grab a napkin… It’s gonna get messy!”
he: That’s really what it says; such a composition is so far beyond my meager literary talents that there is no way I could improve on it, except possibly to cut and paste it 30 or 40 times so you can read it over and over again without having to take the time to move your eyes back up to the top. However, I will refrain from doing so because even THAT would be messing with perfection. I, for one, will be having the ripe teen pastrami lips, with the ass salad. No, wait, semen soup. No, no, wait a minute….I’ll get the ass salad, you get the semen soup and I’ll just have a taste of yours.
me: that is the grossest thing Jeffrey Dahmer ever wrote before they killed him in prison. no one knew about his briliant life as a porn copywriter. so sad.
he: Oh, all right, all right. I’ll have the semen soup!
