(The post in which I prove to some that I am a bad, bad person, as they really knew was true all along.)
A friend emailed me earlier today asking if I’m going to Blog Her. I thought, blog who? Then I dimly remembered, in the wayback fuzziness of my porn-alcohol-Strunk and White-Raymond Chandler-jacking off in front of the computer too much-addled brain, that someone I knew, once, mentioned a convention or something called Blog Her. I seem to remember BH mentioned in nice, dulcet tones, and some sort of other disharmonious chords chiming in as well. Really, that’s all I remember. It was Webzine 2005, so it was actually my last memory before I woke up with my clothes off monday morning and a “we are the media” sticker still crammed in a personal crevice that Shall Not Be Named.
My friend emailed saying, but a famous woman on the internets is going. Are you going? I said “no, I have my limits. I will dwindle away in quiet obscurity while cows on stilts occupy the limelight, tending to my hearth fires of interenet blogwars and crazy blogger cat ladyness.”
Now, I know I’m supposed to be supportive of all the soccer mom bloggers and blogs about knitting and stuff — and I am, in fact I know and love and link to plenty of people of *all* genders who knit and bake bread and soccer-mom (usage: verb). But in the spirit of conversing and wasting time on the internet and trying not to read another piece of erotica (only 117 submissions left to go!), I visited the Blog Her site. Which looks like the HTML equivalent of a sports bra. There are indeed some good writers there. But of course, I looked for the sex section. But instead I found a “Sex & Relaitonships” section. I wheezed. I squirmed. I thought, why the “and”? Why not a sex section *and* a seperate relationships section? I have hundreds of links to women-run and -authored sex blogs that are about sex, sex, sex and porn. Not much soccer, but lots of scoring; the relationships are with thier pussies. Because they are women. But then, I reminded myself that the “& Relationships” was the necessary pastiche to make things for women “okay” and not dirty and fun, but safe and right in the place that we belong, clutching our romance novels waiting for the next Julia Roberts film, you know the one where Richard Gere gives her a hamster and they call it… Oops, outside voice again.
So I cruised their “Sex & Relationships” blogroll, looking for porn. I am not the only one, and we all know it, so don’t even hit “send” on that email yet. Then I saw how tiny it was. It’s… weird. Then I saw that you have to *join their site* and submit yourself to the blogroll. Oh, I get it — in fact, I get those emails all the time, the “Submit your site and join our service to enter the FluffUFluffMe Awards!” (Not an actual blog awards event, but coming to a URL near you this summer, I’m sure.) Self-selection has a funny way of not breeding diversity. A half hour later wasted perusing their TOU and privacy policy I wondered why there was a choice for “male” in their gender category on the signup form. Then I wondered how trans-friendly they are.
Anyway, I had that taste in my mouth — no, not the “just licked Astroglide off the monitor taste” again. That *other* taste.
I wrote my friend back, “besides, they’re seemingly allergic to actual sex and porn bloggers of the female variety. they would have to invite me and make me feel like a bloggy piglet bathed in pageview slop. and give me vicodin and free alcohol.”
I wrote, “omg, their site looks like a jogbra.”
I wrote, “okay, this is seriously awesome — I’m not in their ‘sex &relationships” blogroll!'”
My friend wrote, “For someone who people seem to think knows something about something, I actually know nothing about nothing and am not entirely sure what it is I’m supposed to know something about, anyway. So ….what exactly is a blogroll?”
I wrote: “a blogroll is when you become a human hot dog bun for the insertion of other people’s links and you massage their traffic until they quit blogging and people are all like, omigod, did you see violet with that hot dog in her mouth? it looked like a dick!”
Now you know I am a bad person. I’m going to go eat a vegan hot dog now. And plan on how I am going to get sex with another human sometime in the next month. Here, look at some really hot porn.
