Sweet Denver reader damperdan sends me a screencap of the Google ads running with my column at SFGate. WTF? The people behind these ads propagate the worst kind of hurtful and shaming myths about porn and sexuality, and it’s running side-by-side with my sex-positive, pro-porn, yay-sex message. On one hand, it’s funny in a truly snarky-irony way, and I’m really not worried that my readers (of all genders and orientations) reading my column will feel bad about how they make themselves feel good — like jacking off to porn. Also, it’s funny to see such blatantly exploitative tactics in their ads, next to my rational, thoughtful perspectives on porn and sex: the contrast speaks volumes.
But then there’s how these anti-porn clowns damage people who maybe aren’t totally okay with their sexuality, who may be feeling lots of conflicting feelings about their sexuality, and have no one to talk to about it. Everyone — everyone — has sexual fantasies that sometimes make you feel bad (or concerned) afterward about what turned you on and got you off. But not everyone knows that it’s a normal thing, and that fantasy is just that — and that porn is merely a sex toy to fuel our fantasies. The “porn cure” people prey on people’s shame, insecurities and self-hate, and exploit that.
I mean, think about it. Why do we look at porn?
* To get off. Explicit visual stimulation has such a powerful arousal trigger — especially sex acts, scenes, or fantasy scenarios that fulfill a particular fantasy — that most women and men can use it reliably to bring themselves to orgasm.
* Curiosity. To see what the big deal is about, and to see people actually having sex. My sexual education grew by leaps and bounds as I watched porn, simply because I saw a variety of types of anatomy, and I truly got an education when I saw my first up-close female ejaculation: I saw how the muscles down there actually moved during a real female orgasm. While porn isn’t great for learning about accurate sex techniques, it can — sometimes inadvertently — be an amazing learning tool for a variety of reasons.
* It’s fun for couples. New couples can add porn to an already-sizzling sex life to push their new sexuality to higher levels, or into new territory. Established couples, especially those with children or other time constraints, might enjoy having a very special adult “treat” that they can enjoy in their private time together. Those who find they like this versatile sex toy can add regular viewing to their sexual repertoire, perhaps mixed in with other variations like fantasy play and sex toys.
* To find new fantasies. In all honesty, most porn is pretty unimaginative. But if you’re tired of the same old thing when you masturbate, you’re not alone — the popularity of sex toys in general underscores the fact that most women and men enjoy variety in their masturbation. Porn is just another way of mixing it up.
* To see or fantasize about things you’d never try yourself. Fantasies of all stripes, from the benign to the extreme, can be found in porn, and this makes adult imagery an especially suitable arena to see something you’d never try yourself, but might enjoy masturbating to. This can range from fantasizing about same-sex erotic activities to getting off watching something you find potentially offensive — like facial come shots, gangbangs, or scenarios involving a hint (or a lot) of force. If it offends or really bothers you, then don’t do it — but if you realize that you’re simply watching consenting adults who seem to be enjoying themselves (and that it’s just a job for them), and that watching them work doesn’t change who you are in any way, you might feel free to use your forbidden fantasies to their full erotic potential.
So, screw those anti-porn people. I hope that with things like my book and this blog, to put those fuckers out of business and make them so broke they can’t afford to advertise on my content.
