After a grueling weekend hunched over my desk and squinting at the computer working on three books on deadline (yes I am crazy), and one night of careless abandon go-go dancing on a chair at 2am in SoMa bar Butter while around twenty members of the Extra Action Marching Band played atop every other spare piece of real estate, I decided to relax in a different way last night, in front of the TV.
But I forbade myself from TV-working (watching porn, as opposed to recreational porn use which invariably happens when I "work"). I flipped channels. I watched Animal Cops, and determined that the guys and gals who save kittens and puppies on TV might be in the only non-porn profession that gets laid more than firefighters. Then my remote landed me on TNN, "The First Network for Men."
What the fuck? What’s with the segregation? What, exactly, are they categorically saying about men, and specifically, I’m sure, male sexuality? Their website is all sex, babes and sports — as if to say that women don’t want babes and sex and lowbrow humor too. Thanks a fucking lot for the stereotypes, TNN, and condemning women to the entertainment staus of children. All the guys I asked about the "For Men" title say that the name/title makes them not want to watch it, that it "sounds fishy," that they don’t like it. Which says that the men I’ve asked about it are all suspicious about the marketing ploy, and are likely bracing themselves for rapid-fire intelligence insulting jokes about fat women, sports euphemisms for sex, and fart jokes. (Not that I don’t love South Park, which features really refined fart jokes.)
Do we really need this to be able to watch Stripperella — a fucking great show, by the way. Better yet, do I need a male chaperone to watch TNN now, to explain why Kid Rock and Dita Von Teese are in the same commercial? Can anyone? But I really wanted to watch Stripperella (I really like Pam Anderson, though she is a christian), I was dying to see the new Ren and Stimpeys (I trade R and S invectives with a rocket scientist I work with in SRL), and I wanted to see what TNN thinks of men — and what they think women wouldn’t want to see.
So I donned my rubber strap-on harness, and a brand new silicone dildo that just came in last week at Good Vibes (the Woody — ahh!). Wearing a wife beater, I cinched up my harness, tucked my dick into a pair of red see-through panties (w/black lace trim), then, dick popping out of my panties, slid into a pair of tight jeans. I grabbed a beer, the remote, and I was ready.
The thing that not many people know about strap-ons — especially the two-strap kind I prefer — is that they are very arousing to wear. Sure, mentally it’s way hot to be packing a woody, but it’s little known that physiologically a harness presses and binds in all the right places. The clitoris isn’t just that little nub of flesh in the front, it’s got miles of underground real estate, well, okay, inches, which split like a wishbone and travel along the sides of the vaginal opening, all the way to the anus. A snug harness not only puts pressure on the pubic bone (and if worn low, the clit), but also on the clitoral legs, making anything — sitting, standing, "jacking off," dildo cocksucking, penetration, watching Stripperella — an arousing experience.
In fact, I loved Stripperella, but then I’m a sucker for sexy babes who kick ass and save kittens — as well as any good writer’s self-parodying bathroom humor, which the show exudes. I only caught the last part of the episode, where the buxom stripper-cum-superhero runs around in her superhero costume and a cheerleader disguise (!) looking for the evil mastermind behind a series of robberies — and for a lost, unneutered cat. She races around town on her motorcycle (like me!), fights with a superhero’s skill, faces off with a madman and an evil machine, trades witty lines with everyone, and finishes her day back at the strip club, melons intact (yet all the dancer’s nipples are sadly pixilated).
My conclusions: TNN thinks men are sexually simple and dumb, though Stripperella is an exception. TNN would be way more provocative and get a lot more attention if their network was called "The First Network For He-Bitches." Also: The "First Network for Men" can suck my (silicone) dick — Stripperella was made for women (and men) like me. What I wish TNN knew: After Stripperella, I put on a porn DVD and jacked off. End of story, and sleep tight.
