First, drop everything and read this article about women who watch porn.
On Wednesday morning I woke up — early, eech — to go to a Good Vibes meeting and found my car window smashed and my stereo gone. Needless to say, I missed the meeting. The stereo was worth much less than the window, but what I found most fascinating about the whole situation is the very careful — courteous — job the burglars did extracting my stereo. They knew my alarm system well enough to figure out how to avoid setting it off. Nothing else was disturbed in my car; my dash was unmolested, the wires had been carefully unplugged, all my change was still in my ashtray. Kind of polite thieves. Definitely not like San Fran’s notorious crackhead thieves, who’ll smash your window, do drugs in your car, take your change and anything else, and leave your stereo. I just wish they’d bring back the new CD I just bought that was still in the player, because I was really excited to finally trade in CD’s so I could get some new ones, notably Lamb’s What Sound (now gone), the new DJ Shadow, and Massive Attack’s 100th Window.
I’m convinced it’s the penis-enlargement pill mafia that did it. It’s obvious. They are my enemies. I’m running two stories on my front page about these placebo-proffering thugs getting busted for fraud, how they pack the pills with animal feces and probably the body parts of competitors, and Wednesday when I wrote the GV email newsletter I included these links and another one to a man who is taking penis enlargement pills and is blogging the whole experience. (I think he should post pictures!) Then just yesterday I waited on a customer who asked if we carried penis enlargement pills or enlargement pumps, and I told him that we carry pumps for pleasure and any results they provide are temporary, and that pills have never, ever been tested or approved as safe or effective. I wanted to tell him that I’d never work for a company that would prey on people’s insecurities to make a buck, and that his dick was probably fine. I wanted to tell him that pumps make you temporarily bigger but semi-soft, and that daily and extended use damages your penis and the damage usually results in loss of length (think suction = hickeys, which are exploded capillaries and you’ve got the premise). But mostly I wanted to ask him why, why!? Because a) he heard that all chicks (or guys) like big dicks, b) that he thinks it makes him more of a man, c) all that Maxim or porn has gone to his head, d) he wants to be in porn.
Lemme tell ya, big dicks, like big tits, are overhyped. Who’s telling everyone that all chicks like big dicks? It’s true that some women like larger objects — big dicks, dildos, many fingers, fists. But it’s equally true that this isn’t true all the time, and that this isn’t true for all women or men. Sometimes big is fun, but sometimes it’s just too much. I dated two guys in my life that had big, huge, porn-star style dicks, and I remember taking one look at their dicks and thinking, if I’m not totally turned on, like out of my mind, that’s really going to hurt. I never had intercourse with either of them because of their overly large dicks — though with partners I’m comfy and really horny with, I’ll gleefully ask for more fingers, the bigger dildo. For me at least, it’s all about the orgasms, and contrary to popular myths, women’s orgasms don’t revolve around huge horse cocks.
Porn may be a big culprit — it sure seems like all those starlets like the big dicks, or at least they’re paid to. But it’s a job, people — and those guys are hired because they are abnormal. They occupy the small end of the gene pool with their larger cocks, ability to have a hard-on for hours and not come (while screwing in difficult positions under hot lights and in front of a camera crew), then come on command, with a big load that shoots far. And you have to behave professionally. To be in porn, you’ve either got these qualities or you don’t, and to be like a porn stud, you need to be dating someone who’d rather be dating a porn stud — know what I mean? And as far as a big dick making someone feel more like a man, well, I’m not a man so I can’t speak to what makes someone feel more like their own gender — except that deep down, I think being a man comes from the inside, not the outside.
But my stereo is still gone, in the hands of the penis enlargement pill mafia’s henchmen. I know that in the middle of the night they snuck up to my car, tent-pole erections leading the way, and smashed my window with their baseball-bat dicks. Dressed like 70s porn stars — or the Disco Boys in Mystery Men — they wore tight light blue and white polyester pantsuits to accentuate their bulges, stepped gingerly in glittery platform shoes, wore big sunglasses at night, had big fuzzy moustaches and sideburns. Their breaths reeked of animal feces, and they shook with the jitters of so many consumed herbal supplements. They traded the deed with their penis-obsessed bosses and long-schlonged dons for more penis enlargement pills. I wonder what happens when I piss off the breast-enlargement ladies — surely it’ll be an attack worthy of Russ Meyer’s Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill!
