Okay, so yesterday some guy came into the store and tried to return condoms. I know what you’re thinking — ew. It wasn’t quite like that, but he definitely had some issues. He had a handful of condoms still in their wrappers and said, "they don’t work." When asked what didn’t work about them, he said, "it fell off." I considered asking him exactly *what* fell off, but reconsidered. And no, he had no receipt. Returning condoms, no receipt — I wanted to ask him where he got off — but again, I reconsidered. It was wanker day at the store, plain and simple. Then I answered not one, but two phone calls with real live wankers on the other end. Oh, joy, the joy of being a female voice trapped in a sex-related customer service job. This wasn’t the first time this has happened to me. When I worked in GV’s mail order division, we’d get wankers often because it’s a toll-free line, and every day we’d write their kinks/nicknames on the whiteboard to let other phone operators who was making the rounds calling and wanking. We even had a goldfish mascot named "Wanky."
My first wanker was a long, drawn out call from a man who wanted a very realistic dildo to penetrate his wife’s ass with while he fucked her pussy — though he took his time getting to the point, of course. When I realized he was jerking while trying to get me to describe the realistic dildos in detail, I transferred him to a male operator. But today I got a guy asking very odd, specific questions about what sex acts were "legal" to use with the Wahl Coil — because "the manual that comes with it says not to use it on genitals." Sure, dude. I’m not *that* blonde. I could hear him laboring for breath, and he was definitely *not* in an iron lung, if you know what I mean — he was moving around too much for that. I grew impatient with him and put him on hold — and went to lunch. Later in the afternoon, another fellow getting spanky with his cell phone called to ask for descriptions of the toys we carry and how they’re used for female stimulation. And you know that when a guy calls a store and asks a salesperson how chicks use vibes, he’s got a fistful of Crisco and his mom is at work.
Oh, and this picture is just to make Friday a bit sweeter.
