The email keeps pouring in. Got this, made me feel like a 13-year-old-girl (or Mr. Garrison from South Park) at a Ricky Martin concert: "You just made my tool bar. Love your site and have always enjoyed your writings at Good Vibrations. Most enjoyable site on the web." This morning another reader told me I was in his dream: "Unfortunately, there is nothing interesting to report. The dream had me opening my wallet to discover that my driver’s license was missing.
I did awaken this AM and checked my billfold to see if my driver’s license was there."
My dream state was oddly active this morning, too. I was in a giant wooden hot tub with Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner, DeForest Kelley and Walter Koenig. That’s right, the cast of the original Star Trek. Nimoy looked terrific. We were all naked (!) and discussing Leonard’s upcoming gubernatorial campaign — yes, he was running for governor and, for some mysterious reason, it was making him younger and more Spock-like by the minute.
But really, if I were to rifle through any of your belongings while you slept, dear readers, I would not take your drivers licenses. I already have one. I would only take things I need, like snacks. Or a few sips of decent Scotch. It’s possible I might try on your underwear. If you’re cute, maybe your undie drawer would get a good sniff. I would never do anything sexual to you in your sleep, but I might do something sexual to myself in your sleep. For instance, if you were sleeping, the Crisco would be fair game. Playing with strangers’ sex toys is unsanitary, but your kitchen utensils may go "around the world" within a few hours, if you know what I mean. And chances are very, very high that I would put your underwear on my head, open your blinds, strip down and disco for your neighbors. The beauty is that if I got caught, I could write off the legal fines as "research." Good thing my publisher doesn’t read my blog, eh?
Speaking of unwanted surprises, I think the woman making a desperate bid for fame by publicizing a bout of male-receptive anal sex she had with Alec Baldwin should really be slapped hard with a big stinky used dildo. If it is true, lameness abounds. I think it’s very hot and cool that Mr. Baldwin has metrosex, and it even makes me kinda like him, though I still would never consciously or knowingly watch a Baldwin movie. Indeed, I cheered loudly during the South Park movie when Canada declared war on the US and bombed the Baldwin mansion. And I saw the movie three times. I would never play "bend over boyfriend" with Mr. Baldwin, he’s far, far from my type, though I don’t think he should be shamed for playing with his P-spot (or for not having a wife/girlfriend who can do it, dig it, and keep her mouth shut). The situation did compel me to make a list of celebrities I *would* play "bend over boyfriend" with:
1. Steven Colbert. He’s just so straight and so damn funny. His voice, oh that voice. I’d make him talk while I did it; he could read a soup can label’s ingredients list and I’d be living the fantasy.
2. Cary Grant. I know, typical. But still, he was openly bisexual and dropped acid with Groucho Marx. How cool is that?
3. David Bowie. Again, I must get in line for this one. Every living creature of every gender wants this man, and I’ll openly admit to three-way fantasies about me, Iman, David and lots of dildos. And Iman’s makeup collection.
4. Ian MacShane. Before you question my judgement, watch Deadwood. Yes, I want to play "Oz" with Swerengen.
5. Hugh Jackman. Okay, all the way up until he was in that turd of a vampire movie. Maybe it’s just Wolverine I want to butt-bang.
6. Chuck D. Because he’s still so damn sexy. He could also say any stupid thing to me while I pillaged his village and stormed his shores; maybe I’d make him read the dirty parts from Clinton’s new book.
7. Ron Perlman. Not that he needs it, but because he might like it. I sure would. It would be like climbing a mountain but I think I could handle it.
8. Billy Bob Thornton. Because if his ass is good enough for Angelina, it’s good enough for me.
9. Ben Stiller. No, I don’t think he’s hot, but maybe if someone plugged him real good he’d be funny again. He may not even like it but it would be for his own good. I would have to be gentle but firm. "Just breathe Mr. Stiller, and try to relax your sphincter… I know it’s been a really, really long time…"
10. Johnny Depp. Repeat of #3, but younger and tougher.
Addendum: If I discover any of these celebrities are Scientologists they will be removed post haste. Scientologists need an ass-reaming of a different kind altogether.
