I am in pain. A type of back pain for which there seems to be little relief. Anyone who has wished me ill is getting their wish fulfilled, as it feels like someone stabbed a big long knife in my back and left it there, coming back to twist it around a bit every now and then.
I think I pinched a nerve or pulled a muscle doing yoga on Tuesday. I didn’t feel anything Wednesday, but on Thursday it started to get sore, ironically when CNN decided to start pursuing me in real earnest for an interview. By Friday, the day I did the interview, I felt like I had become some sort of mind-over-matter yogi, concentrating on preparation and forcing the pain out of my mind, not able to take any painkillers that might alter my clarity for what I knew to be a global — and fairly permanent — record of me on TV. Yikes.
The whole thing went incredibly, amazingly well, though I’m scared that in the final piece I didn’t smile at all and will probably look like I had an icicle shoved up my ass the whole time. But I did have glamorous makeup and stunning 1960s hair, thanks to a flamboyant stylist I discovered in the Castro — I couldn’t lift my arms over my head and knew I needed help, so *of course* the first salon I walk into in the gayest neighborhood in the world just happens to have an idle award-winning stylist on staff, reasonably priced, to boot. I count my rainbow blessings.
The piece will air in two weeks, and it will be a good-sized story about women making porn. The interview was a series of questions about statistics, and my opinions on porn, women and culture, and they’re editing in my comments around other footage of female pornographers. And no, I can’t fucking believe it, and wow, and ohmigod, and I’m really freaking out in a good way but I’m all relaxed and smooshy and smiley from the Vicodin. The minute I find out when it airs I’ll post the deets; I’m feeling pretty good about the piece being generally sex- and women-positive; at least, it will be if they keep in my comments, and good luck to anyone who can edit my comments to sound sex- or porn-negative. I worked very hard to make sure I said things that could not be taken out of context — but then again, there is a certain level of trust and chance going on in any media interaction. It’s always a gamble, and I’m in this alone, no agent, no publicity person, and unlike several other more famous "sex experts," I don’t have a marketing degree, either. It even seems like the publicity people I do have contact with are not on my side; I told the pr lady at my publisher about the Esquire Clinton spoof and she took several days to pick up a copy, then only made a cold comment, "at least they got the name of the book right." What the hell?!
You never know the true agenda of anyone, and though the woman I worked with on the CNN segment was very cool, smart and supportive, still, while the tape was running she threw in a surprise question about porn and exploitation of women. I think that is the one time I smiled; it sounds weird to have smiled at that moment, but I had a feeling it would happen. I think I answered okay on the spot, it’s just the same tired old stereotypical questions about porn, anyway. If I go on to the CNN bonus round for a point/counterpoint debate, which has been talked about, then I’m sure I’ll get all sorts of lovely leftover-from-the-1950s questions about porn and rape, and child exploitation and animal porn. You know, the stuff those conservatives stay up all night hoping really exists.
We’ll see. I stressed about this interview, and studied CNN beforehand to see how everyone looks and behaves. First, everyone looks like their panties are painfully pinching off circulation to their tender bits. No problem: the shooting pain in my back and neck gave me the perfect glassy rectal-thermometer-made-of-ice look. I observed that yellow and blue look terrible on TV; I solved this with a fitted pinstripe suit and white wifebeater. I noted that on MSNBC, everyone’s hair and makeup is the same as in 1989; my hip hired-gun gay stylist, who looks like a sexy Mr. Clean, gave me a romantic 60s look. On a side note, I also observed that on CNN, it is absolutely okay to look totally baked if you are Donald Trump. I probably look a bit baked right now as I write this, but lemme tell ya, I got nothin’ and no interns to fire.
The interview took all of ten minutes when all was said and done. I did have fun going into the studio, and upon seeing the fake illuminated panorama of San Francisco on the wall behind my chair, I chirped, "Cool! This is just like the Daily Show!" They did not think that was as funny as I did. But I was stoked. I *love* fake news, and am thrilled to be part of it all.
