I have decided that we need to sort the wheat from the chaff, the weak from the strong, and the pussies from the pussy-know-it-alls. A sex educator Fear Factor.
Casting will begin immediately — actually, there will be no casting, there will be a mandatory draft. If you wrote a book telling people what to do with human genitals, your participation in the show is required to continue your "sexpert" status. Uncut. Live. Gory stunts. Tales of fear. Novelty shopping will never be the same — for anyone.
Contestants to win the title of Ultra Fabulous Sexpert Know It All of All Time will have to:
* Eat handfuls of gooey gummy boobs and gummy peckers out of a fish tank filled with Strawberry Astroglide until everyone else barfs or faints
* Win a race with their hands behind their back in furry handcuffs, licking their way up a Slip ‘N Slide slathered in Good Head Gel
* Make a raft out of Paris Hilton Love Dolls and Bondage Tape, and paddle their way across Lake Merritt using a Sean Michaels Dildo
* Another race: A helpless puppy is locked in an acrylic box filled with waterproof vibrating cyber snatches and cyber peckers ("cyberskin" is a repugnant, life-like material that smells like wet pavement) and Astroglide. Educators must suck snatches and peckers into their mouths until they reach a key for the lock.
* Educators must race to put condoms on John Holmes Love Doll phallus with their mouths.
* Lap dance frat boys at a bachelor party.
* Play Pin the Macho on the Man until someone breaks down into heaving sobs.
* Contestants must identify sex toy materials by taste only.
* Educators must use their face to burrow into pies made of coochie cream, unrolled condoms, cherry almond warming oil, anal ease, titty taffy, dicky mints, a layer of edible undies, anal beads and jelly rubber cock rings, all inside a cyber snatch with "realistic" pubic hair. At the bottom, they will find a book contract.
Okay, I’ve been spending too much time writing about sex toys. I’ve been writing for 8-10 hours a day trying to catch up on work after the evil flu. Immersed in sex writing, I’ve even been taking research books to bed at night and getting even less sleep than usual. But I’m making progress… I even managed to squeeze in reading a non-sex book, Stormy Weather, right as the hurricane hit Florida, which gave me a funny perspective on the disaster. Highly recommended, it’s a great pulp novel.
I played hooky from my mountain of writing last night to go see one of my favorite films of all time, Fellini’s La Dolce Vita. It was the last night playing at the old SF theater, The Castro, which is absolutely beautiful all on its own, in gilt and gold, complete with a working pipe organ that is played by a real human up until the movie begins. La Dolce Vita is one of the most beautiful films of all time; I smiled throughout the entire film, almost cried at the beauty of each scene, and went home wishing someone, anyone, would make a film like that these days.
Okay, back to work! Entertain yourself with this personal ad, complete with flow chart, and this great video hot off the SRL wires (mega geeks only).
