I was at the gym, running my mile on the treadmill, when it came on CNN: Anderson Cooper, split screen with undulating, gyrating bouncy-boobed cheerleaders, and the words came out of his mouth, “Cheerleading… sexual routines…” THUMP! I landed red-faced in a heap at the end of my still-scrolling treadmill.
Well, I didn’t really fall, but I had to be very *very* careful not to. First Anderson Cooper and spanking, and now this. I kept running, trying to keep up with the “news” story he was reporting, but was almost on the verge of a true hysterical paroxysm with Cooper and cheerleaders in the same sentence in my head in endless repeat, the mental drool making any other thoughts whatsover, impossible. But my torture continued, mercilessly — yes, Anderson, yes! Don’t stop. I don’t really care what you say, in fact I probably don’t agree with most of it, but just keep talking about dirty dancing cheerleaders and let my brain and my pumping thighs do the rest. All us nerdy sex girls think you’re hot, Cooper, and we’ve got all kinds of fantasies that involve spanking, your tie collection, those suits, and now, cheerleader uniforms. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It wasn’t just the Cooper and pom-pom imagery that sent my brain into a tailspin, it was what was being said about the legislation to ban sexy cheerleading routines that had the nice gay men at my gym watching my face more than CNN while they pumped up their porn star/Muscle Mary washboards. We posted the story about the cheerleading ban that passed in the Texas House of Representatives this morning on Fleshbot, but thanks to Hotpants Cooper, I got an earful from Rep. Al Edwards (D-Houston) about how this type of “dirty dancing” spreads teenage pregnancy, is responsible for STD transmission rates, and how the children need to be protected. (Cooper agreed on that last point; that gets you a spanking with my baton, and my poms in your mouth, bitch.) Has the world really gone insane, or just all branches of government? But what made me actually throw my arms up in a sis-boom-ba cheer in the middle of the treadmill rows was the inclusion of needing to clean up marching bands as well.
Everyone knows how degrading, sick and downright dirty marching bands are. Full disclosure: I have wild and evil monkey sex with a man in the Extra Action Marching Band, I do very nasty things with other band members and publicly make out on a regular basis with female band members and band member girlfriends. The things I do for fun with these men, women and transfolk would definitely be considered immoral, a threat to decent society, evil, acts against god and surely degrading to anyone within earshot. And the cheerleaders, male and female are FILTHY. If Mr. Rep. Al Edwards (D-Houston) saw them, his head would explode like the aliens in the conclusion of Mars Attacks!, when they play Slim Whitman and their alien heads pop like little grapes. More disclosure: I own three cheerleading uniforms, and none of them fit properly according to cheerleading regulation. Hear that, Cooper? Or are my matching uniform panties too tight on your sexy head?
So I think it’s time for Extra Action to tour Texas.
