As a few readers of both my blog and Fleshbot might have noticed, a couple of my bits were surreptitiously featured over New Year’s weekend on a certain Gawker Media site. There’s a very long backstory involving an excitable editor, my digital camera and a few hasty moments in my bathroom… and my new work uniform, which arrived right at the very end of December.
That’s right, they’re making us wear uniforms at Fleshbot now. I’m not sure if this extends to the other Gawker sites, any of my male coworkers at Fleshbot, or if it has anything to do with Gawker and Yahoo’s new RSS reach-around agreements, but I’ll suspect the latter. After all, Yahoo has been getting more and more heavy-handed with eliminating or making inaccessible their adult content (RIP fast and easy adult groups). So it comes as no surprise that any company so obsessed with adult content, as Yahoo seems to be, that it occupies their every waking moment would come up with such a perverted dress code.
My uniform came with a memo. I thought I just got one that didn’t fit right. I was wrong. Here it is:
Notice of work uniform: Violet Blue
Effective: Immediately
Re: Policies and Procedures
CC: All staff
* Employee will wear “Pure Filth” uniform at all times during working hours. Said employee, having a less than C-cup bra size, will not be allowed to wear a brassiere; no effect to disguise nipples will be allowed. Additionally, any effort or attempt to cover breasts or lengthen hem of “Pure Filth” uniform shirt will be met with a Level Two warning.
* Employee must wear heels over 7″ in height at all times, except on casual Fridays when employee must be barefoot and exhibit “Fleshbot Pink” toenail polish, and any accoutrements to suit seasonal foot fetish trends are highly encouraged.
* Tight jeans, skintight slacks and Army uniform pants are suitable only when a sufficient cameltoe of 1 1/2″ is measured.
* At no time will underpants be tolerated. Violations of the “no panty” rule will be strictly enforced, met with a Level Three warining, and a panty gag will be installed for one entire work week. Further violations will be dealt with accordingly.
* Skirts are encouraged but within the following guidelines: schoolgirl plaids must follow the *slutty Catholic schoolgirl* dictum and the hem may rest no longer than the bottom curve of the buttocks in a standing position; eight inches above the knee is a golden rule for all skirt hem lengths.
* At Fleshbot, we encourage employees to take regular breaks to stretch and do Yoga exercises to prevent repetitive stress injuries. Any Yoga, stretches or calisthenics must be performed fully nude.
* In the absence of an editor and the assumption of a leadership role, such as during natural disasters, editor vacations and porn conventions, dominance will be exhibited with knee-high platform boots, rather than employee’s regulation fetish heels, and casual Fridays will not be observed. Should you need to assert your dominance, in which you have shown exception with in the past, we encourage the use of tools such as the Fleshbot Paddle App (TM), Fleshbot Riding Crop JavaScript (TM), and in severe cases the FleshbotFuzzyHandcuffs.exe (TM) may be employed.
With that, I’ll be running Fleshbot Thursday, Friday and Monday — so please come visit me and see what mischeif I get into while Jonno’s at AVN.
