On last night’s Colbert Report, TV’s Stephen Colbert did a short, hilarious segment on mysterious sperm donor 401, whose sperm was apparently in extremely high demand before the donor stopped jacking off for extra cash. If you read the nonfiction essay “Spem Bank Teller” in my book Best Sex Writing 2005, or listened to the podcast episode where I read the essay, you’d have some insight about what’s really funny about all of this. The story about 401 is actually a couple weeks old (though CNN just picked it up, hm), but you can bet they didn’t interview any disgruntled sperm bank tellers about how hilariously creative such descriptions like “athletic” and “close to his mother” really are in reference to a donor. In sperm banks, these are classic ways of saying “has no car and walks everywhere” and “still lives at home at age 30, and needs extra cash so earns it by jacking off”. Seriously, listen to the podcast or go to a Barnes and Noble and read the essay and you’ll get a wicked laugh thinking about anyone claiming to have a “spiritual connection” with a donor who got the job for wearing loose undies, probably had a very subjective screening, and very likely wanked in a tiny little room while watching Shaylene get a good cervix pounding, left the donor room a lube-stained mess, got some pocket money and walked home to mom’s house. Sperm donation isn’t noble, but the *selling of sperm donation* is pretty hilarious (and they way most clinics are run is the right combination of scary-funny to make for an entertaining essay).
However, Stephen Colbert did take a bold step in the piece and “outed” himself as the firehose of virility we all know he is, claiming to be donor 401. I am however extremely disappointed that Colbert lied in the segment; contrary to Mr. Truthiness’ image, he claimed that samples of his superhero seed samples were available for sale (supplies limited?) on his show’s site, colbertnation.com. Colbert’s secret sauce is indeed *not* available on the site. But that’s probably okay; many people would just accuse me of wasting it all over my face anyway.
