Image found in this explicit gallery (via).
Today’s Chron column is a humorous look at applying the TSA’s travel guidelines to traveling with sex toys (and other adult issues). Lots of people like it, except for the TSA employee who wrote me a very stern letter about how they totally do not have slip ‘n slide orgies with all the lube they confiscate and is totally cranky that I made fun of the TSA. As a friend remarked, “Surprising, because all the TSA folks I’ve encountered seem to be such founts of wit. Oh, well, guess he’s the humorless exception to these ordinarily hilarious cards who protect our skies.”
I’m just tickled to get an email from the TSA that mentions protecting me from a terrorist attack, the history of plots involving liquid explosives for the past 25 years, *and* Peaches Christ all in one go. Now that’s a party. And, incidentally, the column was inspired by a friend who told me, “I didn’t even blush when the TSA person hauled out my favorite vibrator (bagged!), holding the corner of the bag like a dead rat.”
Here’s the column; today’s accompanying emails are after the jump:
The Transportation Security Administration loves lube. Loves it. They collect it. And then they have parties. Your vibrator? Not so much.
If you’re one of the 500,000 (half a million!) people traveling to San Francisco for this year’s Pride Parade, before you pack your one suitcase of sweaters and hot pants (you’ll need both) and your five suitcases of sex toys, think about the TSA for a minute. (Ugh, not like that.) Sure, uniforms are hot, and some of you may have those nonconsensual cavity-search fantasies rarin’ to go, but save your fetishes for Pink Saturday and pack your sex toys with care. Otherwise, be prepared to have your expensive toy collection ripped apart by security dogs and your favorite dick detonated by the feds. Imagine arriving and having to explain, “Honey, they blew up the Ballsy Jeff Stryker 10-inch.”
Link.
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Your column ridiculing the TSA contains exaggerations and misinformation. The column may be funny to some, but many of your words will confuse or mislead the surprising number of passengers who are uninformed about airport safety regulations. We are there to protect you from a terrorist attack.
Some clarification:
The TSA does not like to take liquids.
If a Transportation Security Officer tried to confiscate a prohibited item for their own use, they would be fired immediately.
The liquid rule is relatively easy to follow. Just make sure to take your baggie of liquids out of your carry-on when you come through the checkpoint. Otherwise, check it in.
The rules were adopted to help prevent terrorist attacks involving liquid explosives. Do some research involving plots and successful attacks involving liquid explosives in the last 25 years.
At SFO, we have seen everything, items that might even make Peaches Christ blush. We will not pull out items from a bag for all to see. We must identify items that potentially pose a threat, items that we cannot identify on the X-ray. But we have private screening areas to save the passenger from a potentially embarrassing situation. Transportation Security Officers will act in a professional manner, or lose their jobs. We will not mock passengers. If a passenger expresses that he/she is uncomfortable at anytime, the process will be moved to the area reserved to do the screening in privacy.
We also have ushered through people of all shapes, sizes, sexes, cultures, and ethnicities. We are sensitive to each need a passenger may have, no matter how unusual it may seem. If a screener is unsure of a passenger’s sexual identity, we will quietly ask what gender the passenger identifies themselves as, and then, as you wrote, conduct a same-gender screening.
For example, when a transgender person or drag king/queen comes through the checkpoint and needs additional screening, the passenger may pick a male or female to screen them. It’s whatever the passenger feels comfortable with.
Thank you for telling readers to take the batteries out their sexual toys. Your numerous suggestions on toys, aids, and piercings will save many from additional screening and expedite the process. Your links to pages on the TSA Web site are also helpful. However, we do not confiscate toenail clippers or tweezers.
Passengers may request that Transportation Security Officers change gloves before screening your property. Just ask, and we’ll comply.
Tim Bottorff
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Hi Violet
I’m a pretty boring straight female with only one rather pedestrian
vibrator. I wanted to say I really enjoyed your article – it was witty and
addressed the potential problems at the airport in a clear and concise way.
A great read. Kudos to you.
#
Hi,
I read your column today regarding packing sex toys, and I wanted to respond as I recently returned from a kink-filled trip to New York. Since I am a Pro Domme, I MUST travel with questionable equipment all the time in order to arrive with the necessary gear for my sessions. After returning from Munich in May, and finding my JBL Onstage speaker unit gone from my checked bag, I decided to rethink what I checked and what I carried-on.
There are some considerations that need to be made regarding checked and unchecked items that are relative to their value—and your destination. Here are some examples:
1. I carry on items that are not replaceable. In this category are my bullwhips, that are no longer made by a certain vendor in Australia. I have NO problem with bull whips in my carry on bags when traveling domestically. However, when trying to take them from Sweden to Amsterdam, I had to check them. Go figure.
2. E-stim units. We all know how expensive these boxes can be. After my speaker theft, I decided I would NOT be checking that item and would carry it on instead. Thinking ahead to issues I’ve had with ipods (just after they came out) and laptops, I placed my estim unit (in it’s original shipping box), in a separate tray at the security point. I wasn’t given a second look as it rolled out and into my eager hands on the other side…This was at SFO by the way.
I just wanted to add my .02 as the decision between irreplaceable and replaceable items need to be considered when checking items that MIGHT give you grief at security. Also, it’s helpful to ask friends about which airports are strict about what. Oakland is fine with liquid cosmetics in your carry on bag that aren’t in your quart bag. I’ve gotten through numerous times with a few tubes of primer and foundation. That isn’t the case in San Diego, where I had to “step out of the line” and get lectured about trying to sneak through my make-up bag…JFK is also worse for things like chopsticks (for my hair), than other items.
Regards,
#
Dear Violet,
I am also (for a limited time only, I HOPE) a Transportation Security Officer. I work at [redacted], and I’m sure we’ve seen at least as much stuff as the folks at SFO.
I’m not going to condescend to you re: why TSA does what TSA does. Rather, I thought I’d share some tips to prevent embarrassment, hygienic issues, and loss of Our Precious Fluids (expensive lubes).
1.) If a search of your carry-on is required, YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE THE RIGHT TO REQUEST A PRIVATE SCREENING, BEFORE the bag search begins. The officer (TSO) may not in any way question your request; s/he must comply and perform the screening in a private location.
In addition to a witness from either TSA, the airline, or the airport, you are entitled to have a wtiness of your choice present during the search. If you request a private screening and the TSO gives you any lip, ask for a supervisor. S/he must comply with THAT request, too.
2.) Sex toys (none I’ve ever seen at least, including 10″ diameter “plugs”) are NOT prohibited. As some of them can be quite pricey, I would also encourage your readers to keep them in carry-on baggage. Again, if your bag requires additional screening and you’re concerned about becoming a public spectacle, request the private screening. You have a right to one. Exercise it.
3.) Nipple clamps, chains and whips are all permissible, believe it or not. I once had a medieval reenactor bring 50 pounds of sweaty, dirty chain mail and armor plate in her carry-on. Cattle prods, however … not so much. I’ve also never seen handcuffs on the prohibited items list; I’m pretty sure they’re allowable.
4.) Likewise, nipple rings and other jewelry in sensitive areas are not only permissible, they should NEVER become a source of worry or embarrassment to you if you have to undergo secondary screening of your person. If you have metal jewelry in a sensitive area that will alarm the hand-held metal detector, INFORM THE TSO AND REQUEST A PRIVATE SCREENING. (This is actually a scenario from an internal training video, believe it or not.) You have a right to be screened privately, and cannot be denied it.
5.) If a TSO must conduct a secondary screening of your carry-on bag or your person, you may ask him/her to change his/her gloves – even if s/he just put on a new pair. The TSO MUST comply with your request.
6.) Make sure any lube is under 3.4 fluid ounces/100mL and in the 1-quart resealable bag, and out of your carry-on so we can inspect it quickly without a bag search and send you on your way. Larger sizes need to go under the plane. OTHER THINGS YOU CAN USE THE 1-QUART BAGGIE FOR: you can always fill it with shot bottles of your favorite hard liquor and have yourself a good ole time once you get on the plane (as long as your airline isn’t one of those tight-buttocked airlines that prohibits you from bringing your own.) Shot bottles are 50mL/1.7 ounces, well under the individual size limit.
Everything I’m sharing is codified in TSA’s standard operating procedures. If an officer disputes your requests or assertions, ask for a supervisor. The officer MUST call for a supervisor for you to speak with. Above that, there are security managers.
One last: please bear in mind that all of this is subject to change at any time! Always visit tsa.gov before flying and read up on the latest rules and regs.
One of these days, after I hang up the uniform, I’m going to write my own articles on these sorts of topics. In the meantime, feel free to follow up and share these helpful hints with your readers.
Best regards,
[redacted]
#
* in a follow-up email, the above TSA employee adds:
The important thing to remember is that you DO have rights as a traveler, as I enumerated below. Beyond that, know the rules, and keep up on them. Knowing them will help you tremendously when (and I’ve seen this happen on my own checkpoint) supervisors who DON’T know their own SOPs start talking out of their asses and overstep their bounds.
Beyond that, a couple other points:
Encourage your readers to ALWAYS follow TSA’s and their airlines’ stern advice and get to the airport with a couple of hours to spare, as often as possible. Speaking from the other side of the table, I’m always much happier walking a passenger out of the checkpoint so s/he can check the prohibited item under the plane, vs. seeing them having to surrender it (the other TSO was sloppy in his comment to you, BTW: we do NOT “confiscate” anything but guns, explosives, swords, martial arts weapons, etc.; everything else is your choice to check, mail to yourself, leave with whoever brought you to the airport, or voluntarily surrender). Unfortunately, too many people arrive 30 minutes before their flight takes off, and end up having to give up everything from cheesy souvenir cigarette lighters to brand-new Leatherman multi-tools to expensive whiskey (in the last day we had a gallon bottle of Grey Goose, bottles of Veuve Cliquot and high-end Napa cabs, and other real heartbreakers. Good God, do I HATE alcohol abuse.)
I’ll also add one last, just as general advice. Being polite to the TSO gets pax a lot further than being rude and obnoxious. For me, this isn’t a vindictiveness thing. If a passenger is getting hostile and belligerent, that could be just a naturally hostile and belligerent person … or it could be someone with something s/he doesn’t want us to see, for the real kinds of reasons that TSA exists. Therefore, I’m going to be looking at everything with extra scrutiny. Also, I’m going to start doing everything precisely by the book, to avoid any legitimate reason for the passenger to file a complaint with Washington. That means the process is going to slow down considerably, AND a supervisor is going to get called in to oversee the process, which takes even more time. I don’t do all this to repay the negative behavior. For me, it’s all about screening the people that need careful screening the most – and equally important, about CYA.
One final note, on airports: pax consistently tell us that [redacted] and Newark-Liberty (EWR) are the two toughest airports in the country, as far as stringent adherence to TSA’s standard operating procedures. We at [redacted] take that as a compliment. One thing that has to be frustrating to pax, which Vinyl Queen pointed out, is the inconsistency in screening from airport to airport. If every checkpoint did it by the book, passengers would have a lot less to keep track of.
:-)
