I have a lot of issues with porn reviewers. Why? Because most of them lie. They lie like dogs, like a rug on Burt Reynolds, like the lyingist liars that ever tried to come up with another word for “female performer” and thought that “cumslut” was appealing (or even a word). They lie to keep their crappy jobs at AVN, to sell product for VCA, they even lie to try and get laid by porn stars. I am a porn reviewer, and sometimes get in trouble for not lying. I have lots of friends who review porn, and not all of them have work I consistently enjoy — except for my pal Thomas. And whether it’s the GHB I injected into his Anal Eze or the weather, for some reason he’s decided to be one tough motherfucker this week with his porn reviews. If you want to see him smack around some bad porn, check out Tattooed & Tight, How Far Will You Go?, and the best one, Strip for Pain.
