I’m kind of not surprised this week’s column is shoved down the page; it’s likely making people like “fellow” columnist Cinnamon Stillwell piss in her chastity belt. This week, I lovingly guide readers through the sexual fetishes of people like, the Murdochs, the Malkins, the Haggards, the Bushes, the Gonzales’ and those who voted for people like Santorum, or love him on Fox news. And Fox News: now we know how you get off. Basically, I felt like someone needed to stare down each and every anti-sex and anti-porn point codified in the sexual hysteria that keeps media sending the messages sex and homos and porn are bad and wrong, and to target the source of all the fake hysteria by following the logic of their beliefs to their conclusions.
And so, we have a list of conservative sexual fetishes and how conservatives make ’em hot. Please do comment on Conservative sexual fetishes: A hardcore guide if you get a minute. Snip:
(…) Extreme conservatives have cultivated their anti-sex obsessions into some highly refined, luridly sexualized fetishes. New to conservative fetish sex? Let’s explore those fetishes, and what makes them so hot:
Homosexuality: easily caught on a toilet seat. This is the world’s best excuse for dwelling on fags and bondage, and you’re carte blanche to talk to as many people about it as you want when you “warn” them with lurid details about the homosexual menace and sexual torture. Just the threat of getting some on you is exciting all on its own, but it’s even more titillating to imagine what these leather-clad people are doing with each other. Of course, what’s imagined is as far from reality as possible, but that’s the point: the homosexual scenario is where you explore your nastiest homoerotic fantasy (Fire hydrants! Great Danes! Ralph Lauren tablecloth weights!)
BDSM (or ess and emm) is for evildoers. The BDSM exchange is where you project your wildest edge-play ideas. (Serial killers, helpless victims, and pasty guys with mullets who give the name Mistress Bitchslap at Starbucks are all possible components in your fantasy scenarios.) Everyone at Fox News knows that BDSM where consenting adults get tied up and spanked for sex is one and the same with torture. (Like in Vietnam, NOT like Abu Ghraib because “we don’t torture.”) Except the outfits, that’s the only difference, though uniforms are always optional alternatives to 1980s studs and leather. You can easily convince your minions and followers that your enemy du jour is a homosexual pedophile by bringing in the whips and chains; only bad people “force” others to do things. Especially sexual things, which you should linger over for as long as possible. Everyone knows that normal people never, ever have any hint of power exchange in their sexual encounters.
The computer is an evil voodoo box of pornography. The Internet is like the real world, except MUCH scarier. This type of edge play is for conservatives who like to feel out of control, who maybe have to be the person in charge in their everyday lives but fantasize about helplessness and surrender. It’s also a fabulous punishment tool, as guilt can be a more powerful mistress than Fleshbot.com. Naughty thoughts you have can be guiltlessly channeled into public humiliation of your enemies (those bad sex people that give you those weird feelings) in gay cure blogs, anti-porn websites, anti-sex email campaigns against cable advertisers, and the occasional reporting/expulsion of a member from a social networking site for not “thinking of the children.”
Link.
