This week’s column, Lube the Halls — also includes my top picks for 2007’s newest holiday sex toys gifts, from the high-end designer vibes to the superb new basics:
Maybe I shouldn’t have started mulling over my annual sex toy list after a big vegan Thanksgiving feast. I had barely cracked open the Firefly lube when I fell deep into a postprandial slumber.
In the middle of the night, I was jarred awake by a ghastly sound, frightful, and near.
“Oooooh. Yoooo arrrr so boot-tee-fullll,” the thick, whispery male voice crooned. “My daahhhrleeng. I laaaahv yooooo.”
It was coming from inside the house. It was coming from between my legs.
It was the ghost of scary sex toy past paying me a visit: the Talking Head Vibrator, set on “Latin Lover” to be exact. The Talking Head is a dual-action (clitoral and vaginal) vibe with an embedded MP3 player that includes a record function and two pre-recorded “audio fantasies.” Yes, it’s a vibrator that talks to you. The last thing I want my vibes doing is making any noise, let alone telling me they love me in a fake Spanish accent.
I recoiled in horror, only to see movement at the side of my bed; hopping frightfully on one leg, menacing me with a big, rubber other leg was the Jack Hammer Johnson. As it hopped closer, I could clearly see the mechanism; a single black pogo stick with a dildo attached. It taunted me with its floppy rubber appendage as it bounced menacingly up and down, heart-shaped handle not reassuring in the least. What had I done to deserve such horrors from sex toy past?
I rolled away from the vision in a cold sweat, only to come face-to-face with a trifecta of orgasmic horror: a gigantic vibrating pointy pink blob known as The Cone, the Eroscillator Plus whirring and changing its dentistry-like appendages like a “Hellraiser” clone, and a skinny silicone dildo named — dear gods, no — Tyra. (…)
Link.
