…or something like that. This week’s SF Chronicle column at their website SF Gate is me making naughty light of a certain situation — So, I Seduced A Mac Geek, snip:
I spotted him from across the crowded Moscone West subterranean fortress of doom. As usual, the scent of burnt $15 hot dogs was already working its aphrodisiac magic: I could tell from his silhouette — so thin, so very thin — as he swayed under the fluorescent lighting, he’d be the one peeling off my now-tight, sexy Gelaskins by noon.
There’s an art to getting laid and seducing geeks at a tech convention, especially if you’re not a girl. Looking at the paltry selections on Craigslist you’ll see that Macworld Expo poses its own set of challenges. Basically, when you enter the convention floor, you know you’ve come upon a group practicing an evil ritual of sorcery and magic; they look to their leader to chant (iChant?) incantations until an unspeakable horde of gadgets arises to destroy credit card limits and steal the innocence of local virgins at will. I just know that their leader bathes in the blood of Microsoft employees to stay so young looking. Sadly, there is never a huge-breasted blonde sacrificed on an altar, the way our dearly departed local Anton LaVey would have demanded it.
That my target was in black was a good sign: He was already on the dark side, so my opening lines about finding the back end into my iPhone, or how the new ultra-thin MacBook could make it feel “so close to the real thing,” or even asking if a Touch could be “ribbed for her pleasure” were all useless foreplay. Our eyes connected like USB 2.0, but our bodies went wireless and I was scanning his ports in seconds — as obviously as he was scanning mine.
Our first stop was the Belkin booth for our first out-of-the-box experience. He kept the turtleneck on; I stripped down to my badge. He peeled open an iKlear monitor wipe and held it under my nose, and that’s when the Kama Sutra Gadgeta really began.
The Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian text widely believed to be the standard work on love in Sanskrit literature: It describes at least 64 sex positions — we didn’t have time for that: The expo floor is only open to the public for four days. After Belkin, we streaked over to the lusty gadget Axiotron Modbook‘s area with see-through enclosures (grabbing bags of improvised sex toy swag en route). I huffed more iKlear and we broke some cheap IKEA convention booth furniture in all the wrong ways.
Kama Sutra Gadgeta, Macworld-style
Don’t try these at home, kids — try them at the Moscone. Applicable for all genders and orientations, black turtleneck required.
First position: Laptop RiserKeep that hot laptop off those tender bits — or on them, if you swing that way. The bottom hugs a cheap IKEA booth stool face-down, while the man in black checks his Gmail with MacBook Pro delicately held on the bottom’s hips during anal or vaginal penetration.
Link.
Update/response: one of the commenters on my column said something mean about me getting paid for product placement in the article. Helio gave me a phone last year and everyone knows it, but no, no one else in the whole damn column gave me anything or even knows me or had any idea they’d end up in a sex column for a major publication. Gawd, I wish. Free porn? Sure. Gadgets, nope. Sheesh.
