Image by the amazing Exey Panteleev.
Women’s magazines have a bad rap these days. They get ridiculed for being out of touch with today’s woman, overusing sex to sell units, promising sexual tricks they can’t possibly deliver, missing the mark by oversimplifying male sexuality, and trading on female insecurities to move magazines. We’ve had a number of responses to these magazines — which ostensibly are for us — such as BUST, Jane and Bitch. Many wonder just how these glossy behemoths stay in business, since they come up so short on substance. Or do they — do they deserve the bad rap they get, constantly being trotted out whenever a girl gives an example of ‘what’s wrong with women’s magazines’?
This month, Cosmopolitan proves that it’s their own damn fault.
In 7 Reasons to Date a “Moodle” they compare geek boys (male nerds) to poodles, and tell girls why they should consider dating geeks. I think a girl should hold a mirror up to Cosmo for a change, since they are ostensibly supposed to be serving our benefit. Let’s examine this fine example of what Cosmo has to offer together, with me riding shotgun:
(…) But it turns out that this slightly geeky breed of men might make the best boyfriends. Here’s why.
1. He’s capable of memorizing every line of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings so he shouldn’t have trouble remembering your birthday and favorite kind of flowers.
[VB translation: Real men are callous and don’t care about things that are meaningful to you. If you want a real man you will put up with this: geek boys are intellectual and like carefully crafted fantasy storytelling, which means they are effeminate and think details, such as paying attention to yours, are important.]
2. Sure, he may secretly want to get it on with his super hot neighbor, but knowing that you’re the hottest girl he’s ever been with will probably keep him from cheating.
[VB translation: Like all men he will always be on a callous pussyhunt to reinforce his shaky masculinity. But because he is a geek he *must* be desperate — why else would a man have passion about anything but money or sports? — and his desperation is something you can trade on like currency. This reminds you that women don’t have sex for love or pleasure, but only to get things from men.]
3. Geeks tend to be tech-savvy. Which means not only will he be able to fix a computer problem and upgrade your software, but he’ll actually enjoy doing it.
[VB translation: Men are meant to be used, not loved, and sex is the currency to get whatever they can do for you. No woman knows how to fix anything technical. Trading sex for IT service is acceptable, and you should have no guilt about this.]
4. Although the dumb jock thing is a total cliche, you’re unlikely to meet a dorky guy who can’t string together a sentence and carry on an intelligent conversation.
[VB translation: Jocks are generally dumb, and geeks never do sports. A dorky guy won’t ever have a hot body but this is a trade-off for having a man actually talk to you.]
5. Since he’s supersmart and probably already making a ton of money, he won’t think being a roadie for Vampire Weekend is a great “career opportunity.”
[VB translation: All geek dudes are smart and rich, you little gold digger.]
6. He was probably bullied during high school so he’ll be sympathetic when you vent about the office bitch…and help you plot a plan to bring her down.
[VB translation: Being nerdy means he’s used to being some guy’s bitch, just like a woman. You two can relate on this. Bonus: feminized men make great pets.]
7. He’ll never hog the bathroom to manscape.
[VB translation: While real men smell Monster Truck Rally fresh, geek boys are pigs because they never got dates. Everything we know about geeks we learned in Revenge of the Nerds 30 years ago, so we know they have no social and therefore sexual skills or intelligence, nor do they have good hygiene. This is another trade-off for all that money.]
Someone really wrote those seven points without irony, and a major mainstream magazine really published it like we’d all just gulp it down like a bunch of idiots. This really really pissed off John DeVore, who is an alpha nerd. I love John’s reaction, which began with:
(…) The article read like it was written by a bunch of mean girl anthropologists in little black dresses who just discovered a whole new species of men. They seemed so happy to find guys who weren’t smug investment bankers, aging jocks, or sociopathic musicians.
But by their definition, a nerd is a scrawny, wheezing, socially awkward savant utterly devoted to any woman who pays him even the slightest attention. That’s not a nerd. That’s a Mole Person. A shut-in with Mommy issues. Human veal.
Allowing these sorority girl scribblers to explain nerds is like asking a Klingon to explain The Force. I am qualified to characterize what a nerd is, namely because I am a nerd. An alpha nerd. I love what I love, and I own it. An alpha nerd can love Lord of the Rings, and the company of women. The two are not mutually exclusive.
A nerd is someone who is very passionate about very specific things. In some ways, most men are nerds. I know plenty of baseball nerds. World War II History nerds. I have a friend who’s a total gun nerd—he collects and refurbishes Civil War-era muskets. He also has a sizable arsenal of handguns, rifles, and I’m headed to his bunker when the dead start to rise. (… read more, thefrisky.com)
So here’s the thing. There are lots of great reasons to date geeks, but that Cosmo article didn’t actually give us anything of value, titillation, or tell us why geeks are hot (and they make us hot by proxy). If I was to write that piece, this is what I’d tell you:
As it happens, geek boys are all that and a bag of chips when it comes to dating. Don’t believe they hype about shut-ins and social skills; geeks will obsess about their fitness and organic foods as much as their latest coding project. Sure, some geeks are just as douchey as their over-macho counterparts, but the hot ones can be… the yummiest breed of male around. Geek men defy stereotypes, and in case you didn’t get the memo: smart = hot. If you’re lucky enough to snag a geeky boy, here’s what comes with all those tasty brains:
1. Geeks love media and many love serialized storytelling. You’ll finally have someone to take you to the movies, a lot, and a date that will be surprisingly game to see all kinds of films, in a theater — or snuggled under blankets with popcorn.
2. Nerd boys have spent a lot of time observing everyone, including other guys. This means they don’t need to overcompensate by pretending you don’t matter, and they know that there’s nothing to be gained by being insensitive. He’ll also have tech tricks for remembering everything, and are most likely to make a list of your lingerie sizes on their smartphone, for when he wants to get you a little treat.
3. Because he likes to learn about things before doing them, you can bet your Rabbit Habit that he’s taken the time to learn about sex — online, not on Jersey Shore. And he knows the difference between fantasy and reality, making him much more prone to honesty in monogamy; or he’s sweetly smart about his kinks. Nerds don’t just geek out on sci-fi and tech, after all.
4. Guys who are geeky get excited about all kinds of passions; while many can be initially shy, once you get going you’ll probably have such great conversations you’ll watch the hours fly by, and feel like a giddy teenager crushed out on talking about… everything.
5. They are ready for the zombie uprising. Seriously.
6. Geek boys love strong, independent women, and dig girls who have ideas, obsessions and passions. They’ll generally seek to engage with you about whatever’s on your mind, make perfect allies for your own “army of two” — but unlike macho men, won’t later expect you to become their mommy.
7. Because so much false bullshit about geek hygiene is pushed in magazines and culture, many nerd boys take exacting care of themselves. Don’t be surprised if he only wears certain things, prefers his own shampoo, and is sensitive about his appearance. And don’t be surprised if he asks you what kind of manscape turns you on.
Geeks, gadgets, gamers and gravy… #ftw.
Great read, love the comments. Tim, you freaking rock. :)
thanks so much for this article. i’m currently dating a self-professed geek who went to school for game design, loves manga and is possibly the hottest thing on earth. he’s ridiculously fit and makes me feel stereotypical in comparison. but all the reasons you said why geeks are hot? so freaking true. really really…
cosmo doesn’t know what the fuck it’s talking about.
Nicely put!
vb+db = <3 :)
It’s a titillating idea but wrong. It’s still stereotyping. Geeks, just like anyone else, are unique individuals. I’ve known geeks that generally fit society’s stereotypes and those that buck it completely. What it really comes down to is, is your lover passionate, respectful & self-respecting, thoughtful & thought-provoking, passionate, trustworthy, and do they turn you on & get you off? Geek, jock, musician, lawyer, politician — none of that matters. These articles that suggest anything about stereotypes are bunk. It’s a uniquely satisfying pairing that really rocks!
I second the other comments, women’s magazines are, in general, crap and crass, and this was a much better version.
But my actual comment is: the guy in the photo has manscaped in the WEIRDEST fashion. That is the most BIZARRE hair pattern I think I’ve ever seen… and I’ve been to just about every gay bar in Scotland and the north of England.
Gotta love #5. Preparedness is sexy too. :D I’ve got MY apocalypse plan ready!
This is absolutely amazing, especially the second response from “Tim;” I loved the personal response. First, to hell with all Cosmo magazine articles, they’re worthless. Every tidbit of information gained from those magazines perpetuates awful relationships with no individuality or meaningful bonding whatsoever. No wonder our divorce rates are over 50% in America.
Although these aren’t the only reasons to date a geek, they hit the nail on the head. I love my boyfriend and his interest in obscure movies, music and media. I love his confidence and his aura and the fact that he only wears plain, solid t-shirts from Target. I love that he appreciates my own confidence and strict independence, and I love that he’s planned EXPLICITLY for the Zombie Uprising. But most of all, I crave his passion about anything he loves. Such fervor is such a turn on, and it’s also severely contagious.
Thanks, Violet, for reminding me of those things :)
You also missed the fact that we nerds will turn our women on to awesomeness like xkcd. This one in particular is perfect for you VB:
http://www.xkcd.com/714/
Wow, an article written by someone who actually groks the geek mindset. I read this and was actually reminded of my own geeky boyfriend. This is a refreshing change from most articles on the subject, which tend to be as shallow and full of eye-rolling stereotypes as the Cosmo one. Thanks for posting this, Violet.
Violet, I love this article. Obviously, you spent more time on this idea rather than some hack who wrote as a thinly veiled attempt to promote a movie. Sadly, I also saw a similar (though not exact) list on a dating site Geek2Geek (www.gk2gk.com), in terms of exploiting the stereotype that a geek is a socially awkward and financially successful person. I hope that this stereotype eventually blows over (not that seeming financially dependable is a bad thing…).
Nice article, and an interesting set of comments to follow. I’ll resist my urge to support your examples point-by-point: they all stand up!
Sense of humour…? You may get a few “in” jokes, but geeks generally seem to have a great sense of humour. Maybe it is they observe people, or they use humour where a macho man uses other methods. They think freely enough to pull in metaphores or snippets from all over the place, and see the funny in things that are not merely slapstick. They’ll make you laugh :D
“Army of two”…. It’s you and me againts the world: when do we attack?
I LOVE THIS ARTICLE! I’m sort of geeky about the books i like to read. Miss your Podcasts though Violet. Please do more if you have the time. Long time listener. Need to catch up with backlog of your blog posts in archive as well as SF Gate articles. Sorry that they screwed you. Looking forward to reading your writing for another, future publication. Want to buy your kissing book soon. Glad your on Facebook as well.
Great article VB! Definitely some compelling reasons to date a geek. Though personally I’ll take ANY reasons :P
-From a microbiology geek
WOW…. simply, thank you!
A great read. I liked both your translations and the explanation at the end. I’m tired of having us geek-ish types mis-represented in … well, pretty much all media, be it Hollywood, TV, magazines, etc. I’m a geek who happens to like rock climbing, so what :) Sadly though, there are still too many people out there who hold on the these stereotypes (hmm, stereotypes in general, really).
Great post! You explain perfectly why every boy I’ve ever loved has been a complete nerd.
Thank you!
I adore geek boys, and so do all the right-minded women I know, both geek girls and non-geek girls. Especially my start-up team on IfWeRanTheWorld – hot geek boys, apply here – some of us are single ;) : http://ifwerantheworld.com/about
I started earnestly seeking out geeks a year ago after I read an article in The Sun that quoted a study saying geeks (ok IT workers to be exact) were the #1 lovers most likely to put their partner’s satisfaction above their own. Also according to the study, they were the most likely to incorporate sex toys. It inspired me to do very selective searches on internet dating sites. Was great adventurous straight forward fun.
Thank you so much for sticking up for the best men out there. The Geeks shall inherit the Earth, you know. I can’t believe that some editor somewhere thought that was a good article to publish. Especially in today’s tech savvy world. Sometimes, I am so embarrassed to be included in the same genders as those Cosmo girls…Both of my committed partners are geeks and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Great post! Thank you for pointing a (very sexy) sharp intellect at the argument for dating nerds (although I prefer “geek” myself). This is a good reminder why I have such a hard time finding good dates. While I enjoy the way many Cosmo readers look, I have an aversion to empty discussions. It has been said that nature abhors a vacuum; the same can be said for nerds/geeks.
@Tim does your wife have a sister? :-D
Hi VB,
I totally love your take on the Cosmo article. Yours is set in reality. They have their god complex switch on and they think of nerds as pieces of soft clay in their hands to fashion in any of their likeness.
Suggesting that nerds don’t come whole but are fractured and they are ready to do the Doctoring.
I don”t want a woman like that.
Bless.
Grace, at the bottom of this post, you’ll see a series of little icons that are clickable. Most of them are to share with social networks, but the last icon takes you to printfriendly.com with this blog post as the content.
clicking that icon strips the images off and makes it a printfiendly.com page with only the content of the post, nothing else. you can print the page, or you can “print as a PDF” and then email the article as an attachment. further, you can click an additional button on the page (you’ll see it, top right corner) that takes the post’s image off of the article. this leaves you with only my writing, free to share as you please. let me know if this works for you!
Another myth about geeks is that they’re all weedy & unfit – I know lots of geek guys who have extensive martial arts experience & who’re just as fanatical about working out as any “jock” – because they see the link between healthy mind & healthy body, & yeah, quite a lot of us were picked on in school. The difference between us & the jocks is, we can set you up an SOA application in a matter of days while they’re scratching their heads wondering “Service oriented whut?”
VB . . . Brava! Geeks are great and @Tim is so right. They are less afraid to be their true selves and are more apt to experiment.
ReclaimYourSexuality.blogspot.com
Great article! Cosmo is such trash. Your list has the real reason to date geek guys – and hey, that zombie uprising one is SO TRUE! You gotta have a man who is ready to save you from undeath. :-)
Hell, number seven is perfect. It made me laugh. But you are right, right, and right again. I didn’t just date a geek, I married one. Turns out given my profession, he was the perfect choice (not to mention no one else in the world ‘gets’ me better than he does). No jealousy, no worry, no wondering, no grilling. Just a number one fan and a cheerleader when I needed one. Knows the line between fantasy and reality? Amen!
Fifteen years and counting and he’s still my number one go to guy if any zombies show up.
XOXO
Sommer
Hey, thanks for defending the geeky guys. How insulting can these people get?
Hi VB,
I really love your article and I want to share it with my FB friends. However, I can’t share the link because of the photos on both sides of the article. I am not an ultra conservative person, it’s just that majority of my FB friends are college students and ultra conservative teachers. I don’t want them to focus on the photos and discredit the article. I want them to focus on what you’ve intelligently written about the non-sense Cosmo article. I promise to cite your site as a source and put a little bio of you. (my FB account/email is graceste@sfsu.edu)
More Power! You’re empowering us girls!
– Grace
Very nice response to the Cosmo article – all the more effective as it comes from a hot female :). Now we just need a similar response to the lazily written pieces that reflect an 8-bit world view written for males’ aspirational magazines…
Very nice response to the Cosmo article – all the more effective as it comes from a hot female :). Now we just need a similar response to the lazily written pieces that reflect an 8-bit world view written for males’ aspirational magazines.
Ms. Blue –
Thanks for clearing up the truth of male geekdom. While I may not know every line of Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, I can go into boringly great detail explaining the differences of various martial arts systems and how the landscape of the country of origin, in addition to the culture itself, came to shape the reasoning for various body motions used for self defense. I am a martial arts nerd (not all of us just know the names of Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris…some of us are nerdily obsessed with traditional martial arts from a cultural context…and really really hate professional mixed martial arts)
That said, I would like, if I may, to provide specific examples to you of just how correct you are in your description of male nerds.
1. Geeks love media and many love serialized storytelling. You’ll finally have someone to take you to the movies, a lot, and a date that will be surprisingly game to see all kinds of films, in a theater — or snuggled under blankets with popcorn.
–Example: Watching a history of the Crusades last night with the wife led to her (she’s a history nerd) expanding upon the history of the “hashashins” (the group that serves as the root for the modern word “assassin”). This led to hours of actual *gasp* communication. See, we geeks not only like serialized story telling, but we actually hold onto information and can apply it to other areas of conversation.
2. Nerd boys have spent a lot of time observing everyone, including other guys. This means they don’t need to overcompensate by pretending you don’t matter, and they know that there’s nothing to be gained by being insensitive. He’ll also have tech tricks for remembering everything, and are most likely to make a list of your lingerie sizes on their smartphone, for when he wants to get you a little treat.
–I always thought that the reason my Blackberry had a password keeper was for the wife’s sizes.
3. Because he likes to learn about things before doing them, you can bet your Rabbit Habit that he’s taken the time to learn about sex — online, not on Jersey Shore. And he knows the difference between fantasy and reality, making him much more prone to honesty in monogamy; or he’s sweetly smart about his kinks. Nerds don’t just geek out on sci-fi and tech, after all.
True true and true…no comment needed.
4. Guys who are geeky get excited about all kinds of passions; while many can be initially shy, once you get going you’ll probably have such great conversations you’ll watch the hours fly by, and feel like a giddy teenager crushed out on talking about… everything.
–See comment under point 1.
5. They are ready for the zombie uprising. Seriously.
–Weapons currently in living room: 6 escrima sticks, 1 katana, 3 machetes. Have agreed meeting point with wife in case of zombie apocalypse, and pact with 3 best friends of who takes out who upon one of us getting infected.
6. Geek boys love strong, independent women, and dig girls who have ideas, obsessions and passions. They’ll generally seek to engage with you about whatever’s on your mind, make perfect allies for your own “army of two” — but unlike macho men, won’t later expect you to become their mommy.
–In response to “army of two”, my wife and I phrase it as “back to back against all opponents”. Also, nerdy guys like nerdy girls (not to overgeneralize by way of fashion, but nerds like other nerds in mindset). This means, we male nerds seek someone that can hold a conversation in their own way, has their own ideas, and is just as passionate about their geek areas as we are. Prime example: the HOTTEST my wife has ever looked was waking up one Sunday morning to find her curled up in the computer chair with a cup of coffee, doing history research for fun, wearing only her reading glasses and tattoos. *drool*
7. Because so much false bullshit about geek hygiene is pushed in magazines and culture, many nerd boys take exacting care of themselves. Don’t be surprised if he only wears certain things, prefers his own shampoo, and is sensitive about his appearance. And don’t be surprised if he asks you what kind of manscape turns you on.
–Geeks are a passionate people, and we may nerd out about various things. This may include what is in our soap that is bad for the planet, or just realizing how much money (and plastic) we waste on safety 6 blade razors that come in packs of 2 for $20, so we decide to go against the system, and learn to shave with a straight razor. If that’s not manly, I don’t know what is.
Thanks for all you do.
Why 7 reasons, there is only one reason to date a geek, and you completly missed it: Geeks are not scared by a women who are smarter. If you date a geek only for reason described above, you miss only less than cosmo.