Lesbianism and homosexuality are condemned

Image by davidyuweb.

…so I guess I know my Chronicle column has been posted to SF Gate: just got the first “save your soul” email of the week. It tells me, “Please stop “partying” and save your soul. Lesbianism and homosexuality are condemned in many places in The Bible. Chapter 1 of Romans is a good place to start. If you accept Jesus Christ as your personal saviour, repent your sins and sin no more, you will be saved from the everlasting fires of Hell.” I guess that’s good because I’ve been looking for a place to start… Start saving money on lube, that is. This week’s column is Margaret Cho, a bottle of whiskey and a long night. Snip:

I’m not telling you what happened on Friday night because you deserve it. I’m telling you because you need it. And what began with a post Trans March surprise visit from Donna Sachet turned into a squirmy pile of bodies packed into Margaret Cho‘s limo as we all got in touch with our inner drunks and invaded every transgender bar in town.

I’ve since learned that it is, in fact, remarkably easy to exit a limo without flashing anyone. Why is it so hard for Britney? I wondered, as I emerged into the cameras, lights, microphones and crowd waiting for us — for Margaret — outside Asia SF. They apparently knew we were coming, as did the owner of Asia, who’d prepared a special menu for our party. Being seated across from Donna and between Carol Queen and Margaret Cho made it difficult to not pinch myself every five minutes, and when the succulent waitress asked me what I wanted, I replied, “Something strong.” Surrounded by greatness, I felt small and too young. Nervous. I needed courage in case they made me walk the plank. One pause for timing, then the waitress winked a heavy set of lashes hung over one eye like an awning of ominous black feathers, and said to me not a word, sealing my fate.

The announcer blared over our heads that we had some special shows tonight, “twice as long and just as thick,” priming us for a stream of sexy girls who came out one by one or in teams to dance, strut, shake that ass and give us a show to remember from the top of the bar. It seemed like VH1’s camera and crew (the whole evening was being filmed for Margaret’s fall TV show) had everyone acting more cartoonish and outrageous than usual, but it may have been the strong drink talking, or the fact that there was actually no such thing as “usual” anymore. Girls worked the entire length — of the bar, OK? — while we ate and drank, and I cozied up to hottie Mikayla Connell. Meanwhile, boys had crashed our San Francisco Girls Gone Wild party: A couple of Margaret’s VH1 costars and Hacker Boy landed amidst the boobs, booze and brass ovaries.

Margaret’s boys said hi to Mikayla and she mentioned that we were having a little party this weekend, did they want to come? Thing was, I thought, this babe’s “little party” has 1.1 million people around the punchbowl, low estimate. Her “little party” was the center of the world, and I was thrilled to be invited. Hacker Boy cheekily chided her about the RSVP, “So, what’s with ‘Bound For Equality’? You know what’s a better slogan? ‘Marriage Is GAY!'” We cackled over the mammoth-mammaried performer mouthing the words to “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” in the dark room, holding flashlights like spotlights to her face, the room, her body.

Mikayla deadpanned to HB, “Where the hell were you when we were coming up with slogans?”

Meanwhile, Margaret had wandered into the clutches, thighs and bosoms of two catlike dancers at the edge of the bar. There was something going on between Margaret’s face and some legs, and boobs, or maybe some other parts… (…read more!)