The 10 Commandments of Writing Smut

I’ve had the extreme, distinct pleasure of working with erotic writing luminary M. Christian for many years, and I can even call him a longtime friend as well as colleague. He’s penned more truly excellent, joyfully filthy verbiage than anyone can imagine, and he wrote that San Francisco erotic gay vampire mystery novel I loved, The Very Bloody Marys. Peeking at his blog, I’m overjoyed to see that he’s now returned from the mountaintop to share with us and deliver fifteen ten, ten commandments for smut writing. Snip:

I. Thou Shalt Not Take the Lord’s Name in Vain

“Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod” need I say more? The same goes for any other kind of onomatopoeia: “ooh”, “urg”, “gack”, “mmmm”, etc. Use your words, people; use your words!

II. Thou Shalt Not Own a Thesaurus

An exaggeration, of course (to get that vicious Roget off my case). The need to change a descriptive word after every sentence or paragraph is the clear sign of an amateur. Example: ‘cock’ in the first paragraph of the sex scene, becomes ‘rod’ in the second, ‘staff’ in the third, ‘pole’ in the forth … and you get my gist. The same goes for the silly need to be ‘polite’ in describing either a sex scene or various body parts. Unless you’re writing a Victorian homage (or pastiche), women don’t have a ‘sex’ between their legs, and a ‘member’ doesn’t live in a man’s trousers. If you can’t write ‘penis’, ‘clit’, ‘cock’, ‘cunt’, or the rest of the words you can’t say on television then find another job – or just write for television.

III. Thou Shalt Not Equate Dirty Movies with Erotic Writing

Films are films and stories are stories and very rarely do they meet. Another stigmata of the greenhorn is thinking that a smut story has to have the deep characterization and suburb plotting of a porno film. Even a story written for the lowest of markets has to have something aside from sex scenes. So face it, just siting down and writing out Debbie Does Everyone won’t do anything but bore you and the reader.

IV: Thou Shalt Not Exaggerate (too much) … (…read more! also seen @)

* Incidentally, this is a great time for me to remind the world of the ultimate resource for editors and writers of romance, smut, porn and all else sex related, The Erotica Readers & Writers Association. Wanna get published? Wanna find authors? Wanna find community to help you refine your craft? Go there! I do.

Update: I just got an email from M. saying his newest book is out and I’m dying to get my hands on a copy of Painted Doll: An Erotist’s Tale, a sci-fi noir porn novel. From the sales text: “Once again, acclaimed author M. Christian writes of the art of seduction. One of the pleasures of a dystopic future is the erotists, professionals who paint their clients’ bared skin with neurochemicals that induce sensuality. Erotists offer landscapes of ecstasy, pain, joy, and delight. Few citizens can afford the skills of the talented Domino. Fewer still know her identity is but a mask. Beneath the facade, Claire hides from a vicious crime lord who would not only kill her but her childhood lover. But the mask of Domino is beginning to crack… Painted Doll is futuristic noir tale, a wildly imaginative erotic adventure, exploring who we are and the sexual awakenings that occur when we become someone else.”

Image of bettie.bondage by MWT.