No more Palin porn, kthxbye!

Image of Lisa Ann as Serra Paylin in Hustler’s “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?” via sacrificio19, but Hustler has hardcore stills, if you want to spend the next four years scrubbing your eye sockets with brillo pads and figuring out how to actually put your brain in an autoclave to get the images out.

This week’s SF Chronicle column is a darling — No More Palin Porn, Please – Violet Blue: Just close your eyes and think of Tina Fey. No, rly. I can’t take it anymore. It’s one of my favorite columns this year, and you *know* you want to laugh and cry along with me… And I can’t believe I wrote about licking pussy in teh Chronic and they didn’t snuff it. w00t! Snip:

I don’t know about you, dear readers, but I reached Palin porn exhaustion about a month ago.

I was being sent Palin porn links from the most unlikely people. Local UC professors. A librarian. A Google employee. People I thought didn’t give a whit about Palin or porn. They e-mailed me links by the handful, by the score.

For some reason, everyone thought I’d want Palin porn. I did not. Tina Fey in latex? I’d risk a virus for that.

Pundits have been calling Palin sexy and a “MILF” since August, lock-stepping behind Comedy Central’s “Indecision 2008” blog post that described the then-newly minted Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin as being “as MILFy as they come.” But the thought of seeing Miss You Betcha wearing nothing but her glasses and a rifle made me afraid to even check my phone messages, let alone my e-mail. I’d survived “Operation Desert Stormy,” “The Eliot Spitz-Her Story” and “Hillary [Scott] For President” (“She’ll do anything to get your vote!”); they each had me convinced that if anyone wanted to quit their enjoyment of porn forever, no Internet filters or prayer was needed.

But the unending tide of Palin porn seems to me to be much more than pointing at a candidate and saying, heh, I saw her play flute in a bikini. Sexist? Too simple an answer — Palin’s platforms are sex-negative, and they were made for walking all over your rape kits, gay marriage and science-based sex education in public schools. She hunts and makes a lot of babies; this bitch is a fertile dominatrix. She’s a powerful woman because of her virility, so you can’t take it away by making her more sexual. The porning of Palin is more than attempts to strip a female politician of power by sexualizing her; in fact, it’s had the opposite effect and her party hasn’t backed away from the oozing MILFiness, something we noticed when watching the debates at The Hat Factory and everyone remarked that Palin was indeed showing some cleavage for the first time as a nominee.

I think, perhaps, that we are a nation as depressed as our economy. Everyone knows that in chronic depression, one of the first things to go is the sex drive. We must not let it destroy us. As Americans, we deserve better porn. If a MILF shall lead us, it will be to the dry desert of celibacy. Trust me. I’ve seen Palin porn.

By the 5th or 6th link I was seeing really, really painfully awful Photoshop renditions of the Alaska governor atop various gentlemen (thanks to “Impalin’ Palin”), or illustrations of her grinning bespectacled maw atop a naked cartoon-MILF body: artistic whimsy that’ll have me avoiding sockeye salmon for at least the next four to eight years. Or inflatable beach toys, as in the case of Topco’s “This Is NOT Sarah Palin” blow-up love doll (“Sarah Palin makes sexism sexy. Cross party lines with your own inflatable running mate!”). (…read more, )