Hey new feminist antiporn organizations, let’s put a smile on that face: This week’s Chronicle column

Porn kills! Not really. But I wish stupidity hurt, like, a lot. Great image of Nicole Lee Suicide by vice48sr5005.

There’s a new anti-porn movement in town, and it’s — the feminists again. I know, whatta letdown. But I’ve got quite a few surprises in this week’s column, Please Use Porn Responsibly: Violet Blue’s concerns about the new anti-porn feminist agenda. No, you won’t believe what these people are saying and doing — some really legally questionable stuff. In this post, I have the screencaps from my investigation for this column, where I discovered that the main website for the nonprofit is by — you guessed it — Christian conservative extremists. In bed with feminists, again… Wow, so 1970s. Click the images to read the whois data better…

It’s great to see the new antiporn agenda; their arguments are full of holes as usual, but they’re gaining traction by appearing to be unbiased and reasonable — and non-religious. Like, look at this totally unbiased piece running in the SF Gate / Chronicle the same day as mine. (That’s irony, folks.) I really wish I’d known Mr. Jensen was going to be in town today: I have a radio interview from 2-? downtown, dance class, and then and a private dinner celebration all coinciding at the same time he’ll be at Modern Times Books on Valencia tonight. Anyone want to go ask him a few questions for me? Seriously: I’ll send you three questions to ask him, you record the results, we’ll put it here. It’s a real offer, and they are serious questions.

Oh, antiporn feminists, there are so many better ways you could have gone after porn. Let’s put a smile on that face! This column is only the beginning of the fun I’m about to have with you, and it’s a little playing card with your name on it. Read it:

Far be it from me to attempt a liberal media cover-up of the real dangers of porn. DVDs have really sharp edges. Like, do not spill Astroglide into your keyboard. Your hard drive could fill up. Do not lick the monitor; it’s bad for the screen. Most porn sucks and you will spend hours trying to find anything worth watching. Caterwauling starlets on higher volumes might have your neighbors dialing the emergency number for Animal Care and Control. Wireless mice are not safe for insertion. Re-enacting anything starring Rocco Siffredi might actually cause someone to lose an eye — be careful where you point that thing. And I’m deeply worried about the under-representation of women in gay porn.

And then there’s the correlation between porn and automobile fatalities. Linda Lovelace, famous porn star of “Deep Throat” fame died in a car accident in 2002. Porn star Britney Madison, sometimes known as Britney Jade, died in a Las Vegas automobile accident in 2005. Adult star Anna Malle, described by Adam Film World as “one of the great wild women of porn” died in 2006 as the result of a car crash off state Route 160 in Las Vegas. These porn-related accidents should obviously serve as cautionary tales for would-be starlets.

Porn viewers are equally at risk. A 38-year-old Ohio man reported that his home was invaded in September 2003. The article says, “The man said he that was sitting home alone masturbating and watching a pornographic movie when a man came down into the basement, holding a gun, and started to videotape him. The man said that before he left, the intruder fed his dog some mushrooms and the dog died.” Poor dog. What’s worse, porn might even stop your heart. This completely weird research study says that having sex in a “hasty situation” makes you more likely to have a coronary incident and die. Last month, Australian researchers claimed a link between clinical depression and an online sex life. “1,325 men from the U.S and Australia were surveyed about their Internet sex habits, which might include trolling for porn, participating in online chats, or doing things with webcams.”

There is actually no limit to the ways in which this four-letter word ruins lives. On July 17, 1990, Daryl E. Porn, a Connecticut resident, was involved in an automobile accident in Portland, Maine, when motorist Lori Willoughby sped through a stop sign and broadsided his vehicle. See, you just have to be called porn to find yourself in a life-threatening situation.

Of course, any thinking person knows that these anecdotes are just that, anecdotes. The correlation between porn use and making freaky death and depression actually happen in real life is hardly valid.

But when people like the extremist feminist group Stop Porn Culture tells us that porn is harmful, their arguments make just as much sense as the ones above. Never mind the fact that SPC is a traveling anti-porn road show that displays over a hundred extreme hardcore images to all comers (no puns; they don’t check IDs at the door, nor do they provide the federally required documentation to show that none of their sexually explicit images include children). They perpetuate myths and unsubstantiated claims that porn — they say all porn, but only show us the really extreme stuff — is responsible for exploiting women, providing dead-end economic choices for young girls, fostering racism, fostering hatred and degradation of women, and they totally totally promise (while admitting on their own Web site that there is no hard evidence) that porn is a causal factor in rape, child abuse and domestic violence.

And SPC also plays that great old ditty, stating that all porn performers must have been abused as children. Isn’t this all just so adorably retro, coming from a 2008 organization? Awww. It’s sweet that people can still be so naive in these jaded times. (…read more)

What’s interesting is to see how recently the Stop Porn Culture webmaster’s site was cached by Google; they must have just taken it down:

Click image to enlarge.

Update: Hooray for porn hysteria — here’s some hilarious outrage over my “sleazy” pro-porn column from “NewsBusters, a project of the Media Research Center (MRC), the leader in documenting, exposing and neutralizing liberal media bias.” I love that the blogger’s bio says, “My main goal in life, besides spending a weekend in Vegas with Playboy Playmate Petra Verkaik without my wife knowing, is to get a multi-million dollar book contract (…)” Sleazy, indeed.