SF Chronicle column: It’s A Wonderful Orgasm

Image by wesflix9.

This week’s San Francisco Chronicle column of mine is a sexy shopping guide in disguise, It’s A Wonderful Orgasm: Violet Blue’s list of hot holiday gifts we can all afford. It’s a continuation of the theme I started last year with 2007’s sex toy holiday gift guide remix, Lube the halls: Violet Blue’s list of 2007’s best sex toys that are naughty, nice, and scary. Here’s a snip from today’s column, I hope you like it:

I’ll admit that I’d had quite a bit of vegan eggnog the night I decided that, like most Americans this year, I just couldn’t afford to purchase items of arousal and hopeful debauchery for my lover, or myself — let alone make my annual decadent sex toy gift list. I left the vegan, Goth, Thanksgiving potluck alone and crying, reflecting on a year of sacrifice reviewing and scrutinizing pleasure paraphernalia for the greater good of orgasms for all, that now simply felt like failure. Eyes blurry with glitter and tears, I crashed my motorcycle into a tree at Masonic and Fell. And I started walking to the bridge.

Halfway down the Golden Gate Bridge, I found myself peering through the fog at the world’s tallest drag queen. Her hair was at least fifteen inches high even in the moist air, and she had one long, muscled, high-heeled leg up over the edge of the rail. She wailed and threw her purse over the side – now I knew she was serious. With all my tiny 5’4″ might, I rushed the great tower of hairspray and padded boobs and butt, and we landed in a heap on the ground, in the center of the world’s most popular suicide destination.

I looked down at her, stubble and all, and said, “Now why’d you wanna go and do something like that!?”

She sat up and extended a hand far more manicured than mine and said, “The name’s Claire. Claire Oddbody. Look honey, you’re here to do the same thing as me. But first, I think there’s something I think you should see.”

Bewildered, I followed Claire’s intimidatingly loud clop-clopping platform stilettos off the bridge and through the Presidio, deep into San Francisco. And things were terribly amiss. (…read more, sfgate.com)