Porn awards red carpet: Fashion disasters fugged

Image of Gianna Lynn with her dates, by Lux Alptraum for Fleshbot, originally featured in Dispatches From The Red Carpet: The Best (And Worst) AVN Awards Fashion.

In my San Francisco Chronicle column this week, I did a full-on “go fug yourself” report on the fashion disasters (and fashion wins) on the porn awards’ red carpet last weekend. There’s a full gallery in Porn’s Wardrobe Malfunctions — Violet Blue: At the porn awards, red carpet fashion was more fug than fab. The images were taken by Lux Alptraum for Fleshbot, and we conspired a bit on the column; I was inspired by her post Dispatches From The Red Carpet: The Best (And Worst) AVN Awards Fashion, and she excitedly provided permissions for the image use. Yay, thank you! Also, I had the delight this morning of waking up to a press release in my inbox (whoa, I’ve never written or even said that aloud) from Madison Young, exclaiming “When San Franciscian Madison Young, adult performer and star of this years nominee for best all girl series (Boundaries – Triangle Films) sauntered down the red carpet with her date, Syd Blakovich, at the AVN awards this year, she was making history. On January 10th 2009 at the 26th annual AVN Awards (often referred to as the “porn Oscars”) Young and Blakovich became the first queer porn couple to walk down the red carpet at the AVN awards.”

Now read about and ogle the horror and moments of good taste seeing mainstream porn’s red carpet parade in my column. Here’s a snip from the middle:

(…) The experience is like watching porn and thinking certain porn stars might look better with their clothes on. And then, you realize you were wrong.

Watching the porny red carpet is enough to make fashion people self-administer a Thorazine dart, the kind they use on elephants who turn on their trainers. Not always; most of porn’s Neu Wave don’t look like they got in a knockdown drag out fight over the sale rack at the Stripper Barn; some do indeed dress up in pretty hot haute couture.

Take a look at the full gallery of photos here.

Take for instance, this year’s sublime plum strapless selection on Sasha Grey: it’s elegant and somehow reassuring, as if to remind us that Grey is crazy-hot, is in an upcoming Soderbergh film, but doesn’t need to wrap herself in a “top shelf” Fredericks’ of Hollywood cling film getup that screams, “hey bitches, I got my first award at age 18 for Best Three-Way Sex Scene in ‘F— Slaves.'” No, Grey is always understated and sophisticated: she’s so damn naturally beautiful and smouldering she could show up somewhere in a deflated Sara Palin blow-up doll held together with hot glued Gummi Boobs and pull it off.

Then there was Gianna Lynn, who did indeed win an award in 2007 for a scene with Arnold Schwartzenpecker (I am not making this up). But her Wikipedia photo should probably be updated after seeing her new breastial flotation devices on display at this year’s red carpet. Not to mention the mystery restraining strap that could have been a forgotten security strip, or actually required to keep her girls from desperately trying to escape the hours of suffocating torture that lie ahead. Perhaps that strap was a warning for the other breast, in case it had any thoughts of tunneling for escape, or perhaps leaping to its death. I’m pretty sure the pre-award stroll conversation in Lynn’s Venetian suite went like this:

Lynn: Dude, does this dress make my tits look big?

Dude: What do you mean by “big?”

Lynn: Does this dress make my tits look big enough?

Dude: How much is “enough?”

Lynn: This explains your retarded stage name.

Dude: You look like you got attacked by a rabid ferret with a faux-python fetish. Is that your purse strap, or an extra mouth made of pleather on your titty?

Lynn: MY BREASTS COST MORE THAN THIS DRESS. (…read more, sfgate.com)

Image of Madison Young with her date, Syd Blakovich by Lux Alptraum for Fleshbot, originally featured in Dispatches From The Red Carpet: The Best (And Worst) AVN Awards Fashion.

Update: As it happens, not only did Syd and Madison make history walking the mainstream porn red carpet as the first openly queer coupling, but according to Syd, AVN’s red carpet policers tried to prevent butch Blakovich from even stepping on the carpet. “I was initially denied entry to the red carpet area and then told not ot walk it. Very interesting. @madisonyoung stepped up tho.” I was also told that Syd was nearly left behind as Madison was pushed along onto the carpet as press snapped away. Madison pushed her way back to Syd, and Syd said, “Some fights aren’t worth fighting” but Madison responded with, “This one is.” Madison took Syd’s hand and escorted her down the red carpet.

I also found out that Madison made her pasties out of fake vegan bacon. Kale chips on tits! w00t!

My favorite Tweet from today was Syd telling me, “@violetblue Thanks for the love. It was so weird being inside the machine, mos def antiquated yet intriguing.”