Happy gay Pride weekend from Miss California (not)

Image by malecution.

This week’s SF Chronicle column was fun to write; instead of the usual SF Pride guide, I wrote a faux how-to guide to staying “safe” from homosexual activity in San Francisco over the weekend from ex Miss California Carrie Prejean, who is actually more famous for being against gay marriage that for being a “beauty queen.” I think you’ll like Citizen Gay – Miss California’s Pride Guide. Here’s the intro:

Last year, just in time for our annual LGTBQ Pride celebration weekend and parade here in San Francisco, gay marriage had been made legal in our fair state. That was back when we thought that State was fair. And before the rush of excited tourists, newlyweds, and brides-to-be of all genders and orientations descended on SF like a bridal shower with penis-shaped cupcakes spiked with ecstasy, we got ready. Instead of D-Day, it was going to be P-Day, and mindful locals made sandbags out of discarded dildos. We stockpiled gallons of lube and lined our Victorian flats to survive the weekend.

And what a party it was: last year was the honeymoon to end all honeymoons. Then, the hangover kicked in and we found ourselves back where we were before: no equality; no marriage rights; and no registry at Good Vibrations (goodvibes.com). Even then-candidate Obama — who sent messengers with a statement of gay marriage equality right before last year’s parade — performed a significant marriage FAIL last week, jilting us at the altar in more ways than one.

So it’s no surprise that this year’s slogan is: “To Form A More Perfect Union.” I thought that after the year’s unbelievably massive disappointments, the 2009 Pride slogan might be: “Here Come The Brides, Bitches, And Just You Try And Stop Us.” But I guess it’s in hopes that next year’s slogan won’t have to be: “We The People, By Opening This Can, Must Unleash The Power Of Whooping (That Is, In The Sense Of Attacking And Beating, Not In The Sense Of Whooping Cough) Upon Your Sorry Asses.” (…read the rest; it’s actually a useful guide in disguise, sfgate.com)