This week’s Chron column: Asking Hunch about sex

This week I had a little naughty fun with the new startup Hunch. In addition to asking the surprisingly intuitive service about sex (and have it be a scary non-intuitive experience), I asked it if I was gay — and boy, were the results hilarious. There is no bisexual orientation. Hunch isn’t even bi-curious.

My column is irreverent and bratty as usual, and the comments are the usual shit. What I didn’t know was that if I were, say someone else writing on the website, I could simply opt to not have comments. Which is what I originally requested when I agreed to write for the Chronicle years ago. I said I didn’t want comments (and at the time, they didn’t have the feature anyway). I told them the commenters would be fucked up because I write about sex and I’m a girl, and blah blah… But I’m not rich or powerful, and friends like Susie Bright ask me how the hell I handle all that hate — so the emails I got today complimenting me on the column and saying WTF about the asshole commenters are especially appreciated. On that note, some commenters (sounding a lot like one particular stalker I have who is obsessed with grammatics) talk more shit about my writing and whether we have editors at SF Gate. In my reference to my Charlie Brooker 100% Silicone Supersized Love Doll, I wanted to make an additional digression that didn’t make the cut. This is what I originally wrote, because Brooker (like my co-columnist and friend Mark Morford) gets the same horseshit. The original version went as follows:

(Now a quick digression. I mentioned my Charlie Brooker Supersize Love Doll in the previous paragraph. Except for my custom creation which cost more than a cup of coffee and less than a Ferrari Enzo, such a thing does not exist for ordinary consumers, so please do not email me asking where you can find one. This happens every time I mention my ‘specialty’ items. And while I’m at it, you can also know that every time you email or comment about my grammar, syntax or whether or not we have editors here in regard to your distaste for my writing, style and subject matter, I not only LOL my Epicenter latte across the café via my nostrils, but a tranny angel also gets her wings. I am a freelance columnist, and yes there are teams of editors who comb this column more than I’d like. I don’t work at the Chron building, but to the best of my knowledge there are many editors and they are small, very hairy, extremely playful, have cute ears that stick out just so, they wear little leather studded vests and tiny leather police hats as according to San Francisco’s editorial dress code, and every time someone goes “OMG a run-on sentence” to me or my gramatically incorrect co-conspirator Mark Morford, the editors actually shriek with laughter and fling feces at the nearest monitor running Fox News 24 hours a day. Okay, I made that part up. But still, I’m glad someone cares about my policing my linguistic freedoms. Because I’m American, and I sure take them for granted.)

Now, onto Sex on Hunch – Violet Blue: Should you really let Web sites like Hunch tell you how to have sex? Snip:

(…) So, “Hunch helps you make decisions and gets smarter the more you use it.” In the “Today I’m making a decision about…” window I typed, “sex.” There were 10 matches:

* Which Sex and the City character am I? (Yawn)
* Am I capable of undertaking a friends-with-benefits relationship?
* Is he too attractive for me?
* Which ED option is right for me? (Erectile dysfunction advice! Please see a doctor, m’kay?)
* Am I romantic?
* Should we have an open relationship?
* What’s the best condom for me?
* Which online dating site should I try?
* What sort of contraception should I use?

Only five of those questions are actually about sex. There were no results for “fetish,” “BDSM,” or “vibrator.” But there are matches for “gay.” The top question that Hunch will answer for you is, “Am I gay?” The South Park answer is that if you’re asking a Web site if you’re gay or not, you definitely are. In real life, answering this question is a lot more complex than a questionnaire. Don’t ask Hunch if you’re gay. When I took the “Am I gay?” decision-making questions, one of the actual queries was whether or not I liked Celine Dion’s music. I said I wasn’t sure. Otherwise, why would I be unsure of my gayness? Plus in the ‘Am I gay?’ Hunch problem solver, there is no conclusion of ‘bisexual’ in the final results. Maybe for now their rainbow flag graphic should be in black and white.

It is also slightly disturbing that the question, “Is my wife having an affair?” is in the same Relationships & Self list as “Should I work for Google?”

Reactions — and commute mileage — will evidently vary.

Curious, I started with “What sort of contraception should I use?” Don’t worry dear reader. I will not breed. This is only a test. Choosing the first query sends you either straight to pill-based choice navigation (when there are many other hormone-based options such as Depo-Provera, Implanon, Mirena IUD, and the Othro Evra Patch) or to more questions that still seemed to point out the top answer was an IUD (Intrauterine Device), even though I specifically told Hunch that I cared ONLY about preventing STDs, had sex with strangers all the time, (again, this is only a test) and didn’t care about hormones. WTF? I wondered, if Hunch is assuming I’m female because I’m asking about birth control, how do I get to tell me to use condoms? (…read more, sfgate.com)