The top online sex management tools

Managing your sex life can be trying when boys misbehave. Image by the uber-gifted Urban Photographer.

This week’s San Francisco Chronicle column is dedicated to everyone who wants to be organized, responsible, and truly deeply nerdy about their sex lives: it’s a guide to online sex management tools. I mean seriously: one rad website (nOOkist) lets you run a report on your own sexual habits and produce a pie chart of your most commonly used (or preferred) sexual positions. My goodness, it’s more data porn! But this time it’s your own data porn. The sexual health management system is especially fantastic. Here’s a snip from Top Online Sex Management Tools Violet Blue: Everyone wants your sex traffic, but who makes the best sex management tools?

One thing the Internets have shown about us oversexed monkeys, is that we are a bunch of oversexed monkeys, but now with typewriters. And cameras. And poor, though entertaining, impulse control.

It’s actually not all that bad, and is often a lot of fun. Love and sex seem to require an expressive, sharing component. It is part of our rich, ever-fascinating future of sexual expression in individuated public, self-published media. It just gets a little confusing. Some people seem to need interns to manage their sex lives — and if they didn’t know how to handle sex-life management before (see: every celebrity who made a sex “tape” or mismanaged his sex-worker habit), the Internets are amusingly unforgiving. The answers to all their — and our — confusing sex management conundrums, of course, are better organization.

No, I’m not talking about outsourcing your orgasms. Or a “Four-Hour Sex Week.” Sex work was last week’s column. Sex aside, simply keeping track of friends’ user names, accounts, preferred means of contact…it’s already a lot to manage — then add in sex and dating. Pretty soon you’ll forget who liked the bubble gum-flavored lube, or who hates hickeys, or worse, who does and does not like anal sex. Talk about a deal breaker. Seriously: there is no “oops” that is okay in anal.

What it boils down to isn’t whether to share or not, but how to manage your uncontrollable urges, so they can be relaxed and enjoyable, knowing you didn’t forget so-and-so’s latex allergy. Because if you don’t get organized about your organs, fruit bats will still be having better sex than you and they’re just limber and more open minded than Dr. Drew — no social networking OKBatCupid memberships necessary. I, for one, welcome our new BILF porn stars.

It’s not digression. It’s sex-information foreplay.

I don’t have enough space here to disseminate advice on finding your own balance of public vs. private regarding your sexual adventures both online and off, nor in all stages of lust and courting. However I can show you five top sex and relationship management tools that are current Internet darlings, for sex-positive self-satisfied sluts of all genders to people just dipping their toes in the dating pool. (…read more, sfgate.com)