American nipples: Sex study praised as urgent wake-up call

Image by artsy_j.

Now this is more like it. Leave it to The Onion to be hot on the trail of cutting edge sex studies this week, in the spirit of the recent headline-grabbing UK G-spot study. In Politics: Nation’s Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau Of Masochism Reports:

WASHINGTON—A new study released this week by the U.S. Bureau of Masochism has concluded that American nipples are critically under-clamped, bolstering long-held suspicions that the nation is rapidly losing interest in the thin, delectable line between pleasure and pain.

According to the study, which surveyed a wide swath of citizens who have been very, very bad, 78 percent of all U.S. nipples are not being pinched, tweaked, or otherwise constricted in a severe enough manner. In addition, the study found that nearly 90 percent of all Americans are not currently down on their hands and knees, begging for more.

“The vast majority of U.S. citizens are just not receiving the physical punishment they deserve,” said Masochism Bureau director Geoff Knowlton, who was permitted by his mistress, Alexandria, to meet with reporters despite being unfit for anything but groveling at her boot heels. “Unless something is done—whether with a riding crop, a stiff wooden paddle, or a series of humiliating commands to bark like a dog—this problem will only get worse. (…read more, theonion.com, via several friends on Twitter today)

And in case you need more smiling, I love the “Google Nexus One: The “Fuck You iPhone” Phone” video. As blogged on TechCrunch, the video shows that the new Google phone is actually purposely out to fuck with iPhones and their users, and will actually *piss* on iPhones with blatant disregard. Want. (Skip the annoying ads at the end of the video.)