The Blue guide to Austin (during SXSW)

It shouldn’t surprise anyone that it’s four am friday night (saturday morning) and I’m just getting to this post (I’ve been collecting tips for it for over a week). My hotel room, which got upgraded to a top floor executive suite, is at this moment populated with attractive drunk people (though @dotBen does not drink, and he is fighting South-By-Sars aka SXSRS). One is telling us how she cut some girl’s hair on a dare in a club. I am drinking wine; another is telling us how he danced down stairs at a club with a waitress to the tune of ‘Sugar Plum Fairies’. Now we’re realizing that the free breakfast starts in 4 hours. Which is the perfect time to give you The Blue Guide to Austin:

You’d think that this guide was all about sex. It pretty much is. We’ll start with the obvious.

Strip clubs are on this insider list. What is notable to me is that a significant number of strip clubs in Austin have wifi. Like San Francisco, you can’t see full nudity if they serve alcohol, so don’t be rude if you’re expecting more. A friend recommends Sugar’s Perfect 10 for women saying, “you’ll have to check whether or not you can go without a male escort (I’ve only gone with a boy on my arm; I think the bouncers discourage packs of women looking for their stray husbands).” Strip clubs are for guys, right? No, not here. At Austin La Bare, male dancers cater to a straight female audience. Which means that the 250 women out of 15,000 attendees at SXSW should get their dollars ready.

Research did not reveal a queer strip club for women. But I did find The Femme Mafia. There are also a good number of Austin gay bars and this is a fab LGBT resource linklist.

Now, the convention center is near one of the quietly sexiest, most sex-positive and nationally loved spots in Austin. Forbidden Fruit is literally two blocks from the SXSWi conference. Go there. It is everything you need for that date you didn’t expect, or when a good girl forgets to pack her vibrator and needs something for the room. Get your condoms there, and use them. Or, take that hot nerd there after a panel to see if they warm up…

If you get that date, or notice someone — maybe there’s a fun vibe with a co-attendee? Well, SXSW is not a good place for a real date. However, if you want to find a romantic spot for nibbles, investigate Urban Spoon’s list of Valentine’s Day restaurants in Austin, and Open Table’s list of romantic restaurants (and you can book it from your phone, you hot nerd).

Looking for someone? My sources tell me that Craigslist is a great bet here in Austin. Best place to meet someone you met on Craigslist? SpiderHouse café — one source told me Spiderhouse is highly recommended for you to, “Moon over each other in the outside eclectic garden seating at Spiderhouse. Yes, yummy cocktails, too! The ladies’ bathrooms have these interesting stalls with rolling slide doors that afford quite a lot of…real estate…to move around in. I’ve fantasized about stealing someone into that bathroom.” Best cruising? The Wheatsville Co-Op, conveniently around the corner.

But really, searching SXSW on Casual Encounters is the bomb. You can get it all in Austin right now.

Sexy local St. Claire tells me: “Favorite comfort food because you are out too late and need something warm in your belly before you go home to screw like minks at 5am: Magnolia Cafe on Congress. Also good if you are quite shagged out in the morning. Go sit in the covered garden and have a mimosa while you warm up in the morning sun.” One hot local girl tells me her favorite place to make out is Terrace59 atop Speakeasy (“go up the stairs to the tippy top where the palm trees and banquettes await you to lounge around on.”). She continues, “This is also my favorite place To Make A Spectacle of People. I took a friend up there and spanked her soundly with my jade leather belt in front of a room full of strangers, and even made some new friends as women came up to get their spankings, too! Also, the terrace built into the limestone cliffs at Club de Ville offers a nice seen/unseen place to tease.”

Timley stuff: We’re just missing the big erotic art fest on the 17th, ArtErotica 2010, and the Pornsaints show at the end of this month. There is one SXSW swinger’s party this weekend so you better act fast, while supplies last.

Looking for a good daytime date activity? Go to a shop full of sweets, or get out that nice nerdy camera you love and go for a 1 hour excursion. Austin has some of the best little bakeries in the US. Cupcakes and sweets are incredibly sexy little aphrodisiacs. One of my local sources tell me that for delicious pastries, you can surprise that hot geek babe with something from Upper Crust Bakery, 4508 Burnet Rd; Central Market at Lamar and 35th St (Chocolate Hazelnut Marquis!!!!!), and Sweetish Hill at 1120 W 6th St. Photo walks are some of the best dates I’ve ever had: make it a goal to go shoot some superb local Austin street art — let this Flickr photo pool of Austin street art be your guide. See if you can find a Kudos tag, from the graffiti artist who got caught and arrested through his MySpace page.

If you cruise, just remember it’s Spring Break for Geeks, not South By Girls Gone Wild. All the usual rules apply, but moreso with the fact that your moves will likely be uploaded for all to see. What happens in Austin does not stay in Austin. If you buy someone a drink, don’t expect anything in return and don’t act like you bought someone a drink at an open bar for chrissakes. Asking for someone’s contact info is a privilege, not a right — your business card doesn’t not necessarily get hers (or his). Know that reading a badge looks like you’re looking at my tits, and all girls know when you’re looking at our tits even when you think we don’t notice. (I’ve always thought that men’s badges should be worn at crotch level just to even the score.)

Wow, okay, now I’m getting the stories about geek girls making out at the party I missed. Yay Usestream party; I won’t miss that one next year… They got photos, too. Thus proving that the revolution will be uploaded (along with your public sexual experimentation).