OkCupid has done some great dating data mining for posts on their OkTrends blog, and some not-so-great. This week they posted Gay Sex vs. Straight Sex where they examine the widely-held cultural assumption that gay dudes will do anything to have sex with straight guys and that gay people inherently intend by their very nature to convert non-gays into being gay. They combed the habits of their 3.2 million users to see if these assumptions hold any merit. It’s timely: yesterday’s Coming Out Day was marked by a surge in teen suicide. In New York last week, a gang abducted and tortured three men for being gay — for several hours, and yes they raped the men (for being gay?), and the incident has terrified and horrified New Yorkers. (The victims, who may or may not be gay, were too afraid to report their own rape and torture.) We’ve had our own violent anti-gay crimes recently here in San Francisco. I found that OkTrends’ post resonates with me personally, and touches on a huge issue underlying why I increasingly what nothing to do with the frat and sorority party the tech sector (and social media micro scenes) have become in the Bay Area.
It’s always been an interesting experiment, being a girl living in the Castro and dating men — one thing I’ve noticed while dating is that nothing brings out a straight guy’s insecurities, phobias (and desires?) like taking one of my male dates into my neighborhood for a coffee. I’ve gotten a range of reactions. The Castro, if you’re unfamiliar, on any sunny day like today, is mostly populated by gay men. Openly gay, as in, you will always see guys (and often women, and sometimes trans people) holding hands, showing public affection and the marketing in shop windows is largely targeted to gay male sexuality. The worst reaction — and I’ve had this happen — is that the guy puts on the biggest “I’m not gay” show imaginable, and talks loudly about being in a gay place, hahaha. This type of guy is always completely convinced, as evidenced in his commentary, that if I were not there (to protect him?) he would be like a little lamb, tossed to the wolves.
Internally, I think — you wish, buddy. Most of these guys probably have better taste. And as of now, you should probably go see if you’re right, because it is your only chance of getting laid.
Sadly, these kind of guys are what outwardly populate the majority of the tech scene, the startup arena and tech/social media. So I see the sentiment repeated at parties and conferences, in under-the-breath jokes whose only purpose is to reinforce straight guys’ shaky masculinity by inflating the stereotype of the sex-crazed gay dude. All while having no idea how gay sex culture actually works, or having any gay friends (that they know about, or will admit to having unless it makes them “cool”). I have never, ever, ever understood this logic, I fucking hate these straight-dude “all gay guys will wanna fuck me” jokes. Lately, when I hear these kind of idiotic remarks in person, I’ve been giving it right the fuck back, and I aim to be more funny than nice, if you get my drift.
To me, it is this very mindset that falls right in lock-step with right-wing conservative arguments against gay marriage and gay teachers, that the nature of same-sex orientation creates a sex monster with no morals, no sexual normalcy, no taste, and most importantly, no humanity. And what happens when you strip someone of their humanity? The answers are in the headlines.
That was just the tip of a rant I’m holding back about sex and gender in the tech/social media sectors… But the OkTrends post will fascinate you for other reasons as well. Keep in mind that LGBT people tend to use dating sites that cater to their orientations — but they do have a significant LGB* population and their findings resonate. However, in their “what gay people like” infographic (SO COOL) it does look like their lesbian population is, shall we say, of a different generation than mine. Ahem. The “what straight people like” version is kind of… you’ll see. Check this out:
(…) First of all, gay sexuality is not a threat.
Gay people are not sexually interested in straights.
The subtext to a lot of homophobic thinking is the idea that gays will try to get straight people into bed at the first opportunity, or that gays are looking to “convert” straights. Freud called this concept schwanzangst; the U.S. Army calls it Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.We combed through over 4 million match searches, and found virtually no evidence of it:
Match Search Returns
only 0.6% of gay men have ever searched for straight matches.
only 0.1% of lesbians have ever searched for straight matches.
only 0.13% of straight people’s profile visitors are gay.In our dataset, there was not a single gay user, male or female, who primarily searched for straight people. (…) Another common myth about gay people is that they sleep around, but the statistical reality is that gay people as a group aren’t any more slutty than straights. (…) It turns out that a tiny fraction of gays have single-handedly two-handedly created the public image of gay sexual recklessness—in fact we found that just 2% of gay people have had 23% of the total reported gay sex, which is pretty crazy. (…read more, blog.okcupid.com)
The bottom line being, straight guys are “safe” from gay guys — but the opposite, sadly and horrifyingly, is simply not true.
* Yes, the “T” and a “Q” is intentionally omitted here. This whole issue is a huge “gender is binary” assumption, but that’s a topic for another post.
Depends on where you look. Try a phone service like the Red Hot Dateline, look for women seeking men, and notice how many male voices show up, trolling for straight guys.
Wow, so many different ideological concepts in one post that it’s hard to keep them straight. What prompted me to write was your statement “whose only purpose is to reinforce straight guys’ shaky masculinity by inflating the stereotype of the sex-crazed gay dude.” I think that with specific regard to the tech world, you are not taking into account the motivation behind many of these statements. Most geeks and tech scene people have typically less experience with women and sex than the majority of their peers. Most went through high school and college spending far more time with computers than with women. In fact, I would argue that the mindset required to be successful in IT is nearly the polar opposite of the skills required for understanding or growing emotional relationships. I think you hit the nail on the head with ‘shaky masculinity,’ because it has become increasingly difficult for men, and especially ‘tech’ guys, to gain enough experience with women and sex to become comfortable with their sexuality. I would see their statements more as a cry for help and seeking answers, rather than a deliberate attempt to propagate the ultra-conservative agenda.
I am also currently reading the Charlie Glickman article, “How to Ask for Sex.” As a frequent reader of your website, and someone who frequently reads articles on sexuality (i find the topic very interesting), I can honestly say that Glickman’s article is the first I can remember ever having come across that actually offers useful information. This is what most men (techs included) are searching for when they are talking about sexuality. Dealing with women is such a perpetual minefield for men, that after years of marriage and three kids, I can still get useful information from his article. The problem is always, how do we get there without scaring her off; how can I ask without her getting shut down; where is the line between not enough and too much? You can say communication is the key, but I would argue that no matter how we try to communicate, it is often wrong. If you flat out ask, it kills the romance; ask too much and you are nagging; not enough and the message doesn’t get through. All men are asking because they want to get some, and since we don’t get a lot of help from women with how to do it, we keep bringing it up in discussion, hoping for a pearl of wisdom in the sea of oysters.
In fact, I would say a lot of the discussion from straight men, with regard to gay men, is directly related to this topic. Ultimately, most gay men are still just ‘guys’ that understand how men communicate with each other, and therefore theoretically can lend some greater insight into the matter. I don’t care if your straight, gay, bi, a, etc. And when I say I don’t care, I don’t mean act a fool. I mean I DON’T CARE. It’s none of my business and I don’t want to know. Who you do at home in your own bed is your business, not mine. I don’t want to see any overt PDA’s, from anyone; please get a room. It’s not bad or wrong, it’s just tacky.
And you’re absolutely right that “Gay Sexuality is not a Threat.” However, unwanted sexual advances from anyone can be seen as a threat; or at least very rude. And considering that men are typically less inclined to take no for an answer than women; it certainly leads to typecasting. I have had gay men hit on me, and even after saying. “Thanks, I’m straight,” (with courtesy and appreciation I might add), they still would not let it go. The difference I think is that any of the women that hit on me and I was not interested; I do not think they saw getting me into bed as a personal challenge. And yes, I certainly understand the “one bad apple” argument; likewise I think it is hypocritical to act a fool and then blame it on homophobia. I have friends that are gay, I’ve been out to party with them, and I’ve actually had people get mad at me for being a straight man in the gay part of town. I’ve personally felt the discrimination go both ways. Bottom line, unless the person is someone that you are interested in dating and/or going to bed with, than their sexuality is irrelevant, and none of your damn business.
Last but not least, the rapists clearly have much deeper issues that need to be addressed. On the bright side, I’m sure they will have many opportunities to work through their issues while in prison.
David, I’m inclined to take your side. The attacked men were penetrated — violently — and with various objects. One man’s penis was slashed with a box cutter. This is not harassment or sexual abuse — it is rape, and genital mutilation. Because it is male-on-male crime in no way changes the criminal act.
From CNN, regarding the attack on four men in New York last week…
“Charges against them include harassment, criminal possession of a weapon, unlawful imprisonment, assault, robbery and sexual abuse as hate crimes.”
Unlawful imprisonment is a fairly serious charge. Robbery is kind of serious as well. But harassment? Criminal possession of a weapon? Assault?! Where’s battery? Assault is putting someone in fear that they’ll be harmed, no the actual harming itself (that would be battery). And sexual abuse? That’s one I haven’t heard. Is that a lesser charge than sexual assault?
If it had been four women that were attacked in this way (especially white women), the suspects would be tried, convicted, drawn, quartered, and fed to the sharks by now. It seems to me these charges are pitifully minor for the crime that was committed, and I wonder if it’s because the victims were gay men. (By the way, if I’m off on my reading of the law above, or if anybody with legal insight can explain to me why they were charged as they were, please let me know!)
I never understood the idea that gay men are like a sexual Terminator: “Gender: Male, Mission: have sex!” Talk about paranoia! Imagine if it was assumed to be natural to like coffee, but some people only liked tea. It would be no different. Or if every time you ate an ice cream someone shouted “Oy! Flake-licker! Cone-swallower!” You’d spend years agonizing about how to tell your mom about that raspberry-ripple or rocky road you ate. And then you’d go for a drink with your friends and they’d confess that they had a drumstick one time, but that it didn’t really count.
Of course, if men who hate gays followed their own twisted logic, shouldn’t they be happy? Shouldn’t they think, well, the more gays the better! More women for us! Just goes to show that they don’t think at all.
grr…. hit the tab key…
As I was saying, gay is … well fine but can you help me with that dock and let me know if you want any help with ‘etc’ and by the way what was that comedian’s show like you were going to go to’ (pretty hilarious rendition of one of the bits thereafter was done and I spit beer….),
It comes down simply to this folks, and who could have said it better than Robert Bolt in “A Man for All Seasons” about Sir Thomas More, Chancellor of England under King Henry the 8th:
“What would you do? Cut a great road through the law to get after the Devil? … And when the last law was down, and the Devil turned round on you – where would you hide, Roper, the laws all being flat? This country is planted thick with laws from coast to coast, Man’s laws, not God’s, and if you cut them down — and you’re just the man to do it — do you really think you could stand upright in the winds that would blow then? Yes, I give the Devil benefit of law, for my own safety’s sake!”
Think very very carefully on that message.
Everyone else’s safety and freedom are absolutely essential to you enjoying your own. Their protection is also your own.
Allow anyone to infringe on anyone’s safety and freedom and you allow it to creep ever closer to infringing on your own.
Regards,
etc.
Amazing amazing post. I am in the IT sector (cut my teeth on mainframes so I’ve worked on stuff that’s nearly “year one” early on). Today’s “techie” can have a shallowness that you well illustrate in just one respect. It shows through in plenty more have no doubt.
To your post however, I must have been sleeping under a rock with Rip Van W but I hadn’t encountered the stereotype you describe in straight guys. Maybe it’s a generational thing. On the contrary, gay friends (of those that I know are) pretty much appeal to this straight guy in terms of “hey what do you think about ‘xyz’s chances this season” or “could I get your help this weekend with the dock – it’s gotta come out of the lake soon – bbq
(strait male speaking) I’ve only been flirted by a gay once. (Well, I mean, I’ve only been aware of it once, but when a man offer me a drink, I say “yeah, you’re my super best friend, what’s your name?” without event thinking that he would want to have sex with me.
On the other hand, I french kissed all of my (strait male) friends, and I had sex with one of them.
Does that makes me a gay straight, as I’m straight and do gay things with my straight male friends ?
Also, am I the only one that think that the homophobic gay rapists raise a new level of stupidity for all Humanity? They deserve a medal or a price, they are more stupid than all of the Darwin Award winners put together.
I mean, they had an erection seeing a male anus, they inserted their rigid penis in a male anus full of their friend’s semen, and that didn’t even ringed a bell in their mind…
It is clearly more stupid than the guy who played Russian roulette with an automatic gun or the one who through an lighted dynamite stick to his dog, and those two had a (post-mortem) price thanking them from all Humanity (well, the part of Humanity sharing my sense of humour.)
Those rapists are setting new standards of stupidity to Humanity, they are so high than no one ever imagined that possible, they are changing the world as we know it. Someone should do something about it.
I have never understood the fear, I used to work in a bar with a predominantly gay clientèle, and took flirting as a compliment, I even did it back occasionally. I flirt with women I don’t plan on sleeping with and take that as a compliment, why should a man be any different?
~Rhaco