Oh shit, I want to do a parody of this, but I just can’t. Cosmo, Men’s Health and Maxim have been unintentionally self-parodying for so long now that to try and make a cartoon version of the pure perfection they have attained as a well-known comedy gold standard for bad sex advice – well, it just wouldn’t be right.
So, slather your lover’s nether bits with tiger balm and fire ants, try not to snap a hamstring looking for your G-spot, and check out Nerve’s Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life (November). Before you begin, do know that the first couple of paragraphs are sort of unintelligible, as I have no idea if the writer was trying to be funny or factual in the intro. Just get to the good parts, which are the absolutely unbelievable “sex tips” offered by these magazines as actual things for humans to try in real life. This is the combination of a struggle for relevancy and desperate freelancers who have no actual sex ed training. A cautionary tale.
Cosmo, Men’s Health and Maxim: don’t try them at home, kids.
(…Cosmo)
Take, for example, “25 Insanely Hot Boob Moves:”
“We rounded up a bunch of super-sexy tricks just for [your breasts]. If these don’t skyrocket your pleasure (and have him drowning in drool), we don’t know what will.” (I pride myself on keeping up with the international register of erotic terminology, but somehow “drowning in drool” slipped right by me. However, after Googling it, I did learn that it accounts for 23% of nocturnal deaths among St. Bernards.)
• “Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. …Yowzah.”
• “Receive a butterfly kiss… of your breasts. To do: he bats his eyelids against the supersensitive underside of your breasts.” He might have to insert his head into your chest cavity, forehead up, but give it a shot.
• “It’s time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator… (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years).” Your vadge is a hog, women. A hoggy, hoggy vadge. God, that’s sexy.
• “Don a blindfold before he drizzles your chest with a warm liquid, like chocolate sauce… ”
• “Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.” Did you know? Phrases ending with “then lick it off” comprise exactly sixteen percent of Cosmo’s advice… on everything?
In the next list, we learn that heat increases blood flow. And more blood flow means more sexy time. Hence, “Make Him Burn With Pleasure” — a list that follows Cosmo’s magical formula (take two parts sexy science and one part childish euphemism, and add a title straight out of a Harlequin romance novel). Ladies, here are ten ways to raise your boyfriend’s temperature — literally:
• “…drizzle warming gel over his chest and give him a rubdown.”
• “Soak a washcloth in warm water and gently run it from his belly button to where his pubic hair starts.”
• “Open your mouth and breathe heavily over one ball at a time.” (…read more, nerve.com, via Jiz Lee)
Photo by Richard Kadrey/Kaos Beauty Klinik.
Cosmo has been a parody of itself since Helen Gurley Brown stepped down. Her successors have imitated her breathless enthusiasm, but not her winking wit. I stopped reading in the Bonnie Fuller days.
Years ago I was one of the editors on a UK sex partwork. Thankfully I did the psychology/relationship/travel strands so aside from a cross-head: The Thais That Bind, produced mostly blameless copy. But I so felt for the readers who followed and believed (there were lettters to prove it) the sex strand. No chance of simple, uncomplicated sex for them, ever. No humour, either. Just a life of increasing anxiety and decreasing libido. And yes, there were/are writers and sexperts who take this stuff seriously. We used to hide whenever they came into the office.
I’m confused. Isn’t “Vadge” Madonna’s nickname?
“Pop his socks in the microwave for twenty seconds, then slip them on him.”
A) That sounds very sexy if I was into dense chicks and my feet were always cold
B) Socks and a throbbing cock always go together – -in jack off time.
This was distressing and hilarious! But also, I feel anyone taking this tripe seriously just has to learn by trial and error. They’ll soon come to the conclusion that “breathing heavily” on a guys junk will probably just confuse him. Asthma attack? Smell funky?
I wouldn’t be too sure of that, Violet. They know they are purveyors of puff and fluff, so why should they take it personally.If they’re asking you for quotes, inquire about an article submission.
I just want to mention that with almost comic timing, Cosmo emailed me today for quotes on one of these kinds of articles.
Cosmo does NOT read my blog!
Soak a washcloth in warm water and gently run it from his belly button to where his pubic hair starts.
WTF? Keep going, you lunatic!
Oh, Cosmo. You really know how to pant on my bullocks.
Seems you still have room for parody. Colbert has made a career out of parodying Fox News, which seems impossible to top in its natural state until you see Colbert take it just a little further into utter lunacy. You just need to come up with a French pronunciation for your name while in lampoon mode.
Perhaps starting with niche topics would be an appropriate warm-up. Please complete the article titled, “Eleven Erotic Uses for Velcro and Dental Floss.” Who wouldn’t read that? And after you get some laughs from your world, go ahead and sell it to the alternate reality of Cosmo.
Maybe these magazines exist mainly to appeal to people’s vanities and reassure them regarding their basic insecurities. I guess they have to do that to remain profitable. Who’s going to pay regular subscription rates to get a magazine that tells them their losers, with limited potentials for improvement at best. You probably get more fluff pieces than anything of any real substance. I wouldn’t know, I don’t waste my time with the crap.
I think everything that need’s to be said about Cosmo’s sex tips can be summed up here…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTQnUTgLssI&feature=player_embedded
Needs a little IN MY PANTS action to add to the “then lick it off”
“Vadge?” Seriously? That sounds either like some sort of medical condition or the nickname for some sherif’s deputy in a 1970s cop movie. But I’m going to run with the medical condition here. “Sorry I’m so late, but I had to go to the doctor to see about this bad case of the vadge I caught last week.” (Naturally, it takes the definite article… like “the grip” or “the ague.”)
What is it with all the weird slang that’s been popping up lately? “Vadge” is even worse than “vajayjay,” and I didn’t think that was possible. I wish people would just speak plainly. Come on people! Let’s not be embarrassed or prudish. Everyone knows the correct term is “hoo-hoo!” If it was good enough for Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, it’s good enough for me.