Bay Area Craigslist Casual Encounters: Man Hammer Seeks Panty Hampster

Possibly one of the funniest, driest Casual Encounters I’ve ever read. Seriously: who wrote this? It’s got to be a frustrated porn writer… Complete text below, as it will surely be taken down for its criminal portrayal of airship disasters.

SF bay area craigslist > east bay > personals > casual encounters
I’m looking for a raunchy girl with stamina for an energetic exchange – m4w – 25 (oakland downtown)
Date: 2011-09-24, 8:08PM PDT

Let me elucidate about the evening for you (I never pontificate, except when I reach critical mass), that you may know exactly what I intend.

Firstly, you will enter my apartment wearing a short skirt and no underwear. This is crucial. I will be in shorts and a wife-beater. You will look down your nose at me, with a little contempt, and I’ll look at you with some disdain, because you’re such a whore. Picking up on this, you’ll hate me even more, and lunge at me, pushing me back onto the nearby couch. I’ll begin to grow hard (though my personality isn’t as wooden as that), and you’ll snort at me, clearly aware that as a man I have no control.

You’ll reach down and roughly cup my family jewels, before telling me how obvious and pathetic I am. I will then become angry, and respond with an equally biting quip about your wide and loose bird-feeder. Then I’ll shove you over so you lie on your back on the ground, and straddle you on either side so you can’t move, while I unzip my pants.

You’ll feel disgust and guilt with yourself, because seeing my rapidly expanding hindenburg will make your heart flutter. In your eyes I’ll catch a glimpse of your fantastic desires, and want you even more. I’ll unzip my pants and slap my Henry David Thoreau against your face, as you desperately lick and nip at it, but it will be just out of reach.

Then I’ll stand up, roughly dragging you to your knees, and cram my man-hammer down your eagerly waiting throat. You’ll gag on it, hating it as I repeatedly thrust against your mouthular vaginiface. You’ll fight, just enough to make it a challenge to keep it in, until I spew vanilla coke down your throat. Fed up, you’ll push me over and put your foot on my crotch, keeping me hard, like a lumberjack in July, despite the fact that it hurts.

Then you’ll wrap your legs around my face, forcing my nose and mouth against you panty hampster. I’ll lick at it, trying to find your clitoris so that you’ll experience excruciating pleasure. Your body will tremble and rock as sweat trickles down your neck and breasts. I’ll roughly cup your heaving tracks of land and pinch your nipples, before you splooge all over my face.

Then I’ll throw you on your knees, face down so I won’t have to look at you, and show you the meaning of the words “jack hammer.”

And, in case you didn’t catch it, the hammer is my penis.

So private message me your details if you’re interested.

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PostingID: 2616059411