Have you been buying fresh semen off the internet? “Stop that!” says the Canadian Federal government in a press release, at least if you’re doing it for reproduction — if you’re just, you know, into that, then carry on.
Health Canada, the Federal Canadian health agency, “issued” the semen “release” on August 24. This was its second advisory specifically related to online purchases of fresh semen; the first was in December, 2010. Distribution of fresh semen is prohibited in Canada — though presumably not if you deliver it in person, if you know what I mean.
As the Health Canada advisory said:
Donor semen obtained through questionable means, such as through transactions arranged via the Internet, may not have been appropriately screened and tested…For example, it could pass on a range of infectious diseases, including HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis B or C, Syphilis, Chlamydia, or Gonorrhoea to both mother [and] child.
There are strict controls in place for obtaining donor semen to protect the health and safety of Canadians and minimize the potential risk of transmitting serious infectious diseases. Canadians who are considering using donor semen for assisted conception should consult their health care professional…Canadians should be cautious of websites advertising the availability of semen, such as “fresh” semen that has not been processed and cryopreserved (frozen).
It’s like adding insult to injury; not only might the semen you purchase online not have been properly tested; it might also be rancid by the time Canada Post gets it to you. Here’s more:
Regulations apply to the importation, processing and distribution of donor semen. They require that donor semen must be quarantined for a minimum of six months. Donors must be screened and tested before the donation and six months after, in order to minimize the risk of transmission of infectious diseases. Health Canada maintains a list of semen processors and importers that are subject to regular inspections.
The Assisted Human Reproduction Canada website is where the press release directs people for more information, but that site doesn’t appear to have any information about internet purchases of fresh semen at all.
If you’re the sort of person looking for conception, you should be aware that it’s a rather complicated procedure to render donated semen medically safe. After the gentleman in question has extracted his sample using a tattered copy of Hustler, Honcho, and/or the Crate & Barrel Catalog — that’s when things get interesting:
The sample is then processed which may include ‘washing’ the sample so that sperm may be extracted from the rest of the material in the semen. A cryoprotectant semen extender is added if the sperm is to be placed in frozen storage in liquid nitrogen, and the sample is then frozen in a number of vials or straws. One sample will be divided into 1-20 vials or straws depending on the quantity of the ejaculate and whether the sample is ‘washed’ or ‘unwashed’. Following the necessary quarantine period, the samples will be thawed and used to impregnate women through artificial insemination or other ART treatments. ‘Unwashed’ samples are used for ICI treatments, and ‘washed’ samples are used in IUI and IVF procedures.
Incidentally, the place where the gentleman in question provides his sample is called a “men’s production facility,” “donor cabin,” or “masturbatorium.” If you have never read Polly Enmity’s absolutely amazing article in Best Sex Writing 2005 on being a sperm bank teller, you are missing what must be the most entertaining writing ever delivered on this topic.
Are spermy shoppers really buying gallons of fresh semen online rather than going through a clinic that cryopreserves it? A quick online search tells me more than I want to know, but next to nothing. Most of the Google hits are references to the Health Canada release, and it’s not long before they blend into sites offering the sale of animal semen for breeders.
One place I did find, however, was Free AI Sperm Donations, which is intriguing from a Neuromancer or Demon Seedperspective. Is this, like, a robot thing? Have monsters been breeding deep in the heart of the internets, and now they can manipulate molecules to the point of creating their own sperm? I have to say, being the tech fetishist I am, I’m excited about that possibility. if I were a female with motherhood on my mind, I’d definitely consider finding a donor AI, and it’d be worth paying for a robo-baby.
But the link doesn’t provide me with a way to purchase the mecha-seed of an artificial intelligence. It’s Sperm Donors Worldwide, which claims to be the DIY Baby Network. There, you can buy self insemination kits. AI is boring old “Artificial Insemination” — by bland, old-fashioned human sperm, not the likes of Data from Star Trek, Holly from Red Dwarf or Boilerplate. As far as I know you can’t buy robot sperm online…yet.
Not being much of a breeder myself, I generally try to limit my discount purchases from shady online sources to used panties and a little uranium if I want to really treat myself. But I have to wonder if the “fresh sperm” market is entirely a reproductive affair, or if there are fetishists out there buying sperm with intention of using it for reproduction.
On that, I’m left somewhat baffled. I didn’t find the most critical piece of information, which is how much money does one end up spending when buying fresh instead of frozen? Is it within the budget of a garden-variety fetishist, or is it strictly a cost-cutting measure for potential parents?
Photo: Russian milk advertisement, from EnglishRussia.com.
The reason that Canadians have been purchasing semen online is because our Supreme Court ruled that semen is to be considered in the same category as blood, organs and tissue. This renders it illegal to pay money for semen since about 2002. It effectively shut down the country’s sperm banks, which were doing a great job of providing safe semen to Canadians. The reason they ask you to talk with your doctor is because the only way to get semen in Canada is to have a friend donate some for no compensation or to show up with a vial already in hand, no questions asked.