Pre-Halloween Monster Cock Roundup

In the language of adult industry marketing, the “monster” in “monster cock” has traditionally meant “kind of big, and we shot it from a weird angle.”

No longer! If you’ve got a taste for damnation by dong, you can get it with a little help from Fleshlight. And with plenty of time still before Halloween, who can say no to the alluring power of zombie cock?

Fleshlight, the manufacturer of the line of masturbation sleeves voted by early-2000’s-era Good Vibrations staff as “most likely to make your girlfriend stick her fingers in it in amazement, then buy you one so she can watch you jerk off,” has unleashed a plague upon your nethers. In forbidden prayers of campy prose, the Fleshlight folks have summoned our deepest fears and cast them in silicone and cyberskin.

If you’ve been wondering, “Who do I have to blow around here to commune with the dark side?” then you’re about to get your answer,” as Fleshlight has just marketed an array of Devilish devices, any of which will make a perfect pairing with your next refreshing draught of goat urine from a desanctified chalice ‘neath the Hunter’s Moon. Of the Drac (pictured above), Fleshlight sayeth:

“Beware of the alluring aesthetics of the Drac that Fleshlight has created or you may soon find yourself missing your most precious of fluids. Take a flight on the dark side in the winged Fleshlight, or get staked by the centuries old cock from the walker of the night.”

But more than Dracula’s cock awaits thee in Hell, mortal! Open the creaking door to the Red Room off the basement and see more of this Halloween’s dark delights after the jump!

 

“Born from the experiments of Fleshlight’s maddest of sex toy scientists comes a collection of the abhorred monster. Feel the scary pleasures of the stitched Frankenvag and witness a massive Frankencock of monstrous proportions.”

“For years the government has been trying to keep UFOs and the existence of extraterrestrial life an eyes-only secret. Now, Fleshlight is making the secret public in the most private of ways. Take a journey into an intersteller vortex of pleasure in the Alien Fleshlight, or welcome a probing by abducting the Alien’s cosmic cock.”

“You must be warned. While fucking your brains out is usually the goal at hand, these creatures of the walking dead are in dire hunger. Have a necromantic night in the degrading skin of the Zombie Fleshlight or question yourself with the lifeless, yet vibrant deteriorating cock of the living dead.”

“Technology is progressing and it was only a matter of time before Fleshlight was able to create the most breathtaking of bionic experiences. Upload your cock into the intelligent design fo the Cyborg Fleshlight, or experience the impressive organ of enhanced technological abilities with the Cyborg cock.”

But as a onetime D&D enthusiast and occasional horror writer, I am of course contractually bound to become uncomfortably aroused in the presence of monster cock, which is why I know that Fleshlight is not the first company to market (literal) monster cock — not even considering the fact that Fleshlight itself marketed that sweet, sweet taste of Vagina Dentata a while back, remember?

Some pervs were way ahead of them, like for instance the folks at Whipsider Rubberworks, with the Tentacle dildo, not to mention the eerily beautiful Ghost, an irresistible butt plug in the shape of an Easter Island head and the world’s most fuckable Unicorn Horn:

Then of course, there are the terrifying fuckables over at Necronomicox, where — more than a year ago — Zombie Cock was first domesticated for your enjoyment…that is, if zombies can ever really be domesticated. You can buy Necronomicox hand-crafted toys at their Etsy Store, Plus, while Fleshlight has been fucking around with cuddly villains like Dracula and Frankenstein, Necronomicox has progressed from rotting zombie dong to its natural successor, Cthulhu’s cock. But as one of my favorite writers might put it, “In the annals of Man and the Gods there are dark secrets that should not be unearthed…and certainly not fucked!”

Necronomicox is an independent affiliate of some sort of Elastica Engineering, which makes such amazingly cool stuff it’s almost indescribable; latex hazard symbol overlays and — oh, yes, oh my, oh goodness — these (!!!!) are among their offerings, as are latex headgear, fetishwear and latex vacuum bondage beds under their Kink Engineering division.

Nonetheless, I have to give Fleshlight props for utilizing the power of today’s sex toy technology to bring monster cock and cyborg pussy into the realm of affordability.

It’s certainly been a long time coming…but there’s one mystery that puzzles me.

To tell you the truth, the most uncanny thing about this whole affair is that searching for “zombie” over at Fleshlight.com will get you not only all of the above dildos and sleeves…but, buried at the end of the results, Jason Visconte’s Dick. Is Fleshlight trying to tell us something?